I had a nice Thanksgiving but I wasn't totally able to avoid feeling down. It didn't really hit me until the day after and then Saturday. I would like to think all feelings are cerebral and be overcome with thought control. These feelings are ego driven and relate to some story we have about ourselves and for the most part I think it is true.
I can't buy this theory completely because it is not my own experience. It is of course in our minds but I believe we must have levels memories as well as levels of healing those memories. We can address them as they come to the surface. Sometimes we know what triggers the memory of hurt and sometimes we are taken by surprise. For me it is Thanksgiving.
I say to myself that I have a good life and that I am a better more healthy person spiritually and emotionally but I was still hurt by what happen to me. It changed my life whether I admit it or not. Those feelings of self doubt surface and I am down for the count. Saturday I slept until 11 and never got out of pajamas.
I was experiencing an emotional hangover and decided I needed to write in my journal. I wrote about how I repelled the people I loved in my life and that is why they left me. When I write things like that I feel worse because I feel I haven't made much progress. How can this be when I remembered feeling so good last year.
I decided to see what I wrote last year. There is was in black and white slept until 11 and still in my pajamas along with some other bleak stuff.
Reading the words from last year snapped my out of it almost immediately. I realized this is just a weekend of mourning for me. I shouldn't feel like it is a set back it is just me taking a moment to grieve some pretty significant losses in my life. To honor two major relationships that ended abruptly at Thanksgiving.
It is the thinking I shouldn't still feel this way that really bothers me. If I could just let those feelings wash over me they would pass just like they did this year. By Sunday I was painting the kitchen and feeling pretty good. Can I just accept myself where I am at any given time especially at Thanksgiving? Maybe next year will be different. I don't think so.