Here we are on the eve of another year filled with potential. I am usually anti resolutions and try to not set myself up for failure and just promise to do my best. This year I have decided to write a few goals down.
Now that I am out of the danger zone emotionally and not worried that depression will return for a long term visit I feel more free to make plans. With a healthier mental state my work doesn't seem so overwhelming and I can live with the constant uncertainty. It is just work and luckily for me I enjoy what I do and I am good at it.
I am making a few resolutions this year or maybe I would rather call them commitments to myself. First the usual health I want to start eating less sugar and exercising more. I have gotten into the habit of eating something sweet every day and since sugar causes cravings for more sugar it has just gotten out of hand. I also plan to watch less TV horizontally. I have a stationary bike so I am committing to riding it while watching.
The next commitment to myself is to promote my business. I thought I would set up a face book page and put all my pictures out there. Since I work for someone else I will just state designing for "____". Also I am going to contact some of my old customers and let them know where I am.
The final commitment is to improving my house. This I have already started in fact I just about finished my kitchen floor. It isn't the kitchen I would design for my customers but it will get me by until I am ready for the big redo. I already have a guy coming to give me a bid on painting the house on the outside on Monday. I want my house to be ready to sell or just nice for me however that works out.
I really feel ready to run my life instead of my life running me. I think my on spiritual quest for peace confused me for a time. I think realizing that the world and all our wants and needs are rather fleeting and there is no road that leads to permanent happinesness made me feel like putting more energy into to maintaining this illusion was real waste of time. Over time I have come to terms with this and have realized I have to do something with my time.
I use to be mostly a doer getting lost in doing to avoid thinking too much about the underlying suffering that was going on. When life broke me I couldn't function in that place anymore I could no longer push the pain down. I stopped doing anything. I drowned in sadness after fighting it for so long I let go and to my surprise I floated to the top a different person. Mostly blank which really scared but I got use to it.
Today little pieces of me have returned including the desire to get things done. I don't have the ego I use to have which included pain and insecurity. The desperate need for other people to validate my worth when I couldn't. I have mostly let go of the past and of the imaginary future I thought I would have including bonding with my own family. I know now I can be whole without validation from outside myself. I can do for the sake of doing instead of doing as a means of escape from pain.
I am going to live this year open to what life brings me. I am mostly healed and ready to go back to being a doer and a little less of a thinker. Thinking about the past or the future is really just my mind needing entrainment. It is a habit and works as long as it doesn't cause me pain.
I can plan and dream but I know that when I arrive at those destinations that I will be no happier than I can be if I want to in this very moment. Nothing out there will make me happy long term. It is all just something to fill our days and entertain us until our time is up. So I am committing to enjoy the moment and spend less time thinking about enjoying the moment.
I wish for you to find a way to accept that we have the power to heal ourselves by realizing the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves controls our happiness. Letting go of the truth that only exist in our mind is the ultimate path to freedom. We have power to create a better story for ourselves by letting go of the ones that have defined us our whole lives. We have that power to let go and be free. .
Happy New Year