Sunday, January 24, 2016

Phone messages and Time travel

I feel like I am in this strange place taking the time to review my life not in a harsh way just as mostly as a spectator.  Today I finally decided to look at my phone and get rid of the saved voice mail messages.  I have a habit of keeping the voice mails I have listened to from the numbers I don't recognize thinking I would go back later and delete them.  I had messages going back three years.

I had to listen to a little of each of them to see if there was some reason I was keeping them.  I wasn't prepared for this to turn out to be "this was your life" a little time travel for me which made me feel a little sad. Mostly customers that I don't even remember maybe missed opportunities. Some were just normal problems with customers. It took me back to where I was emotionally back then.

With every message I felt a little regret knowing I wasn't always able to meet some of the expectations of the people on the other end of those calls. I couldn't keep up for the first time in my life I was not 100%.

I did make promises I couldn't keep.  Of course not intentionally I don't think anyone intentionally makes promises that they can't keep. You think you can keep them when you make them but sometimes you just can't be the person you want to be or in my case the person you use to be.

I was overwhelmed at the time and was in survival mode dealing with only what was critical. I am not proud of that time in my life but I understand and forgive myself for it. It has been a humbling experience to admit that I can be human and not live up to the expectations of others.

I have spent my life fixing things and helping people get things done. Making things work pulling things together despite the obstacles. I couldn't this time I couldn't shut out my emotions and soldier on like I usually demanded of myself.  In the end there was nothing to draw on I was all used up.

I am in a good place today and I am trying to find my place again.  I want to enjoy my life and feel that I am enough for me. I can feel that I am getting there today. I can look at where I failed without judgment and see that I did my best and let the rest go.

I have been harsh with myself and frankly harsh with other people in my past.  I had no compassion for myself and therefore I didn't extend it to others very willingly. Over the years I did change and offer compassion to others but I was still at the bottom of that list. I guess now it is my turn.

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