I am in a quiet place these days feeling inspired about my life. For the first time in a long time I am not pushing something back or closing my eyes to what is instead of what I want I would like to be. Taking a objective look at the past and seeing if there is anything I would like to address.
I guess that is what the new year is really for taking inventory. This isn't an easy task and must be done with patience and compassion. I have been thinking about one particular issue related to my own indifference to people that probably loved me at some point but with my continuous indifference have moved away emotionally. This happened while I was in survival mode and had nothing to offer.
I have to say that none of the these people were emotional givers but I always maintained the relationships from my side. I accepted where they were and was content to be the one who reached out and kept these relationships going. While I was down I decided it was "every man for him or her self". I was at my most selfish and wanted someone to reach out to me I didn't have the energy to do the reaching.
I have been better for a awhile now but haven't made any effort to do any mending at this point. Distancing myself from the emotions of others is easy for me. It has felt freeing to me not be with people that have been stuck in the same place for a long time. It doesn't escape me that I was that same person stuck in the same place for a long time.
I have become the "indifference" I have talked about in my own family. I do want to help people when they are stuck in their own repetitive dream but you can't really do that for someone else. People do come to me and tell me their problems and I tell them about my own experience but that is all. I don't want to be the emotional dumping ground I was in the past. I felt their pain in way that was too draining for me.
I know now that pain is self created by the thoughts our mind is constantly feeding us. Life can be ugly but the pain comes from thinking that I can control this ugliness. Getting lost in finding a solution instead of accepting what is and letting the situation heal itself. I had to do this when I was at my lowest I had to just stop and say "this is my life this is who I have become" immediately my life got better. The lack of struggle open the door for divine healing instead of my own limited abilities.
This inventory of myself is on going. I didn't do any of what I did intentionally or to hurt anyone I just had to withdrawn and face the truths I had about myself. Cash in all the good things and bad things I believed I was and decide who am I really? None of the things on the list were really tangible just ideas the best one and the worst ones residing in my head.
It seemed crazy to me that I had built my whole existence on these ideas about myself. My mind is strong and some of the ideas I had about myself were harsh and hard to let go of. Today I focus mostly on the next thing and if the idea of taking an inventory comes up I look at it for awhile and decide whether it warrants any action.
I can be honest with myself now. I am no longer trying to hide anything from myself. Taking an inventory can be simple and the point is not to label myself as a "bad person" but to accept who I was at the time and to forgive myself. I can then consider what amends if any that needs to be made to the anyone else involved.
It is nice to let go of the suffering for today and just live with what is right in front of me.