I have felt lately that I am in the flow. Moving through life rather effortlessly I don't feel anxious anymore more settled. In my head I am thinking "I am going to make it after all". It sounds silly but this is how I feel. If I feel resistence then I go in a different direction.
I spoke to my sister last night for a couple of hours and she was telling me how her kids are out doing things. Her daughter leaving for Australia for a year and her son might soon be getting married. She also told me about a trip she took to see my dad's brothers and sisters. I felt left out of her life excluded from the one person who is my closest relative.
She did go on and on about how my dad spent quality time with her kids and what a great caring a loving person he was and how lucky we were that he was loving. At this point I said "not to me" I have forgiven the situation with my dad. I realize now he was actually a very "present" person and if you are not in his presence you don't really exist. I was the child wanting the parent to reach out and show I meant something to him.
Anyway I couldn't continue to listen to her pretend this was both our experience and I finally said something. I did go on to say that he and I did resolve our issues after I realized that he wasn't capable of understanding what effect he had on my life. Funny thing happen around that time of the converstaion the phone my battery died. Who knows how long I was talking after that and maybe the universe decided some of what I was saying didn't need to be heard.
It might have seemed like I was mad and hung up. I couldn't call back until I got a little charge also I have no idea what the last thing she heard me say. She called me back and we didn't resume the conversation about my dad.
This situation between us needs to be healed. I have never felt wanted by my family and in the early years I made a lot of effort to keep up the connection driving nine hours every year to visit only to be ignored. It wasn't personal but more like indifference so over the years I have stopped going.
I think it is too late. I can't continue to wish for things to turn out differently for me and my family so I am letting go of the situation. Her calls seem like maintenance to me a way for her to feel like she has done her part by reaching out. I am on the "to do" list an obligation.
This makes me sad and maybe it isn't true but I have got to let it go. I can't fix the past and I don't feel like putting forth any more time an energy to force a solution. It is the way it is and I can't squeeze anything else out of it at this point.
So today I am letting go the relationship and turning it over to God and the universe to decided whether it can be healed or not. I can no longer play the part of the unwanted sister and as long as I am waiting for a miracle I am. It makes me feel like I am begging - please like me - please want me.
Letting go is a step towards freedom for me. Freedom from the pain of wanting something I have no control over and I am ready. In the flow things just work themselves out. Once I am willing to release it without specific conditions or results I can be free.