I am not sure I can do this today put my thoughts out there in the universe I feel a little murky maybe because it is the end of a long week or maybe it is because of the cloudy skies I am not sure.
I wanted to write about jealousy something for the most part I don't have a problem with but, every once in a while something or I should say that someone comes along that makes feel a twinge of jealousy. This feeling I have is not about money or possessions but about personalities.
There are big personalities out there they shine brighter than a star and people are mesmerized by their presence. They can do no wrong and if they do wrong they can talk their way right out it and all is forgiven. They are showered with affection and if anyone calls them on their antics they just pretend they don't know what you are talking about.
I always wanted to be them instead of who I am. I wanted to be that light that everyone is drawn to the one that has gifts laid at their feet. I married one of them instead that was the closest I could get to living that dream. I fell for the shiny light and found myself on the dark side a lot of the time the non public face of that big personality. People would say to me "how did you catch him"?
That catch nearly did me in and brought out the worst in me. It brought out all those inferior thoughts I had about myself I couldn't compete and and this relationship highlighted what I thought was my own lack of charisma.
I have come to terms with the fact that I am an introvert and I can't immediate cast a spell on the people I meet. After people get to know me they appreciate what I bring to the table and when I am not stressed I can be charming and actually funny.
I don't like feeling that old twinge of jealousy or revisiting the self-doubt of the past. I don't even like that I feel compelled to tell the person they are not playing by the rules. To them the rules don't apply and their shell of denial will never be broken. This part brings out the crazy in me.
Obviously there is someone new in my world and this has brought the past right back to me. The good news is that I am not the person I use to be. I can see that it is just bringing the past back to me and I can leave it alone. I don't have make them see the light and I don't have to compete with them.
It is really none of my business unless they do something that affects me. I can then take the opportunity to stand up for myself which I can do that now. I am not under that spell anymore.
I don't like it but I can deal with it. I know that everyone is a product of their past and how they are is not personal it is just the way they have evolved or not evolved. I have lived in my own world of denial and it worked for me just like it is working for them.