Resentments - Who is gonna take out the trash?

Work is busy and we are closing jobs left and right. I have been talking to my partner about sharing more of the mundane responsibilities like cleaning the showroom, among other things. She always agrees to help but then it never happens. This is a familiar issue for me and I was hoping not to deal with again.

I struggle with wanting her to change. I want us to work as a team and not end up being the one who gets things accomplished. This is a relationship that I have repeated many times in my life and want to learn what I need to learn and not do it anymore.

Is that possible to co-exist and with someone else and not want things to be different. Some days it is easier than others. I do believe you have to address what is bothering you or the resentments will pile up pretty quick. After you address your issues, then what? What if they just say deal with it or worse say they will work with you and then don't.

When you are dealing with someone completely self-absorbed (takes one to know one) it isn't personal. They are just doing the stuff on their list and not even thinking about what is on your list or that you even have a list. Can you live with that?

In my most recent relationship we fought about cleaning too. Not fighting really, either I did it or it didn't get done. End of story. In the program they say if something bothers you more than it does someone else just do it yourself. The drain of resentment far out ways the energy it takes to take of the problem. But if you do it with resentment you just end up resentful with a really clean house.

In my first marriage before the program I learned a lot about resentments. I knew doing something while thinking it was someone elses responsibility can turn you into a crazy person. Worse it eats you alive and you don't even know it. One day you just snap. I have often thought this might be the reason nice people end up on the news shooting people from the top of a building. When they interview the neighbors they always say how the person seemed so nice. Resentments.

I solved the problem in the my last relationship by hiring someone to do the cleaning. A luxury yes but also a life saver. We won't say just whose life at this point.

So I am entering into another partnerships with someone that is just as self-absorbed as I am. Imagine that. Some part of me wants to believe that somehow I am better than she is more thoughtful just a wee bit less self-absorbed but the fact that I am writing about here makes me think otherwise.

Darn, why do we always have to see our reflection over and over. I am working on acceptance and remembering it isn't personal when I am not the star of someone elses show, just my own.

I will probably hire someone when we have the money or I will start paying myself. I really don't mind emptying the trash it is only the fact that she doesn't think is important that bothers me. That it really my problem and I will just have to get over myself.

A skirt that doesn't fit anymore - Meltdowns and more

I am at work today catching up on things. I hadn't planned on coming in but someone wanted to sign a contract and bring me a check. I couldn't put that off.

My partner is in the middle of a meltdown and can see no good in her life. She had a computer meltdown and her step daughter stayed the weekend. It is really more than that it is a combination of thinking how did I get here and I don't want to be here.

I had those same feeling yesterday home alone with the huge task of cleaning my upstairs. I am getting a free bed for my spare room so I had to face organizing and getting rid of things. I have tried this before but swimming through the past made me run before the job was finished.

In my depression I abandoned the upstairs. I really have no need to go up there so I don't it was dusty and littered with boxes of photos and things that were once important to me.

I came across a Christmas tree skirt that my ex's mom made. She made one for each of her children and I guess it got mixed up my stuff. What should I do with? The child in me said burn it. The adult in me said send back. It is in my past and has nothing to do with me today. I don't even decorate for the holidays.

I stopped mid meltdown and decided to write. What came out was am I where I am (alone) because I made bad decisions or is this just how life is? The flip side is that I know a lot of people that have the family and children and there not happy either. It just goes to show that you just got to keep moving and not dwell on what you don't have or what didn't work out.

The writing brought me full circle and made me see I can dwell on the past or work with what is in the moment. I don't know how my story ends and I expect that I will not be alone unless I want to be.

The upstairs is sparkling clean I rallied the committee in my head and we got the job done. As far a the Christmas tree skirt is concerned I left it laying on the couch. I can make that decision another day when I am not so emotional.

Forced to let go of the past. Like it or not.

I have returned from my trip to Denver. The work part was exhausting and the personal part exhilarating.

The night before I left for Denver I was working hard to finish up some of my work when my contractor called. The screen on my phone went blank and cut us off. We reconnected and then it did it again. That was the last time it has worked. At 7:30 pm I jumped in my car and sped to the nearest ATT phone and got myself a phone.

I found out that none of my numbers were retrievable because they weren't being saved to the sim card, just to the phone. I didn't know that. I guess it ask you this the very first time you save something and that is the only time.

I stood there for a moment and it reminded me of the day I was locked out on the porch. My mind taking in the information keeping panic at bay. Then thinking I am still here nothing life threatening has happened. Maybe.

So in one fell swoop I have wiped out my past. You know those numbers of people you would never really call, unless you were on your death bed and only if you had thought of some clever last minute jab as you take your last breath. Hey I am human after all.

I was the one who wanted to get rid of my story, right? Just to reinforce this idea of getting rid of my story I had a second opportunity. While up in the mountains (see picture above) I ran out of space on my camera card and the only way to take new pictures was to delete the ones on the card. It was the last trip with the ex and the ex in-laws.

One by one our happy little faces disappearing from the screen. I was forced to do this over and over because I wasn't willing to delete all. Facing the past again and again always opting for the beauty of the present over the memories of the past.

I felt a twinge of sadness. That is not my life anymore. I can say now I am really happy about that. Whats 4 years of of grief in the scheme of of things. Looking at it and re-living all that has happened since that trip doesn't change a thing. I don't want to do that anymore.

I believe we are exactly where we need to be no matter how long it takes. There are no accidents. I got an opportunity to test my feelings and see if my desire to move on is real. I am really there.

A coincidence? I don't think so. I will be fine without the numbers the people that love me now have my number and have been calling me. The clients numbers I can get from the files and anyone else that I have made contact with in the recent past will be on the detail portion of my bill. Anything older than that I can live without.

More details and pictures from the trip later. Happy to be hom.

Locked Out - At least I had my clothes on

I have been working a lot and preparing for my trip to Denver. I leave tomorrow and haven't started packing and have several deadlines to meet before I leave the office tonight.

It is weird I haven't flown for a couple of years and besides a trip to my sister's house I haven't left town in awhile. I am going alone. I have a conference for 3 days and then the rest of the time I am on my own. I have never done that before so we will see how comfortable I am with leisure time on my own in a new city.

I do have a funny story to tell. On Sunday I slept really late and woke up groggy and decided to take a shower and get dressed. This is unusual for me since I normally do chores and hang around all day so getting dressed is optional.

I made a sandwich and went out on the porch and closed the door behind me. When I finished eating I turned to go in and the door was locked. I stood there for a moment in shock. What are my options. No phone, no phone numbers, no car, no shoes and no hide a key.

I did feel grateful that I had showered and put clothes on. I checked the windows and of course they were locked. I went next door and knocked, no one answered. I could hear them so I yelled out it is your neighbor.

The door opened and two dogs, three kids and a bewildered mom greeted me with enthusiam. Like a long lost relative. I have only seen the kids a couple of times. The twin girls will be three in December and their older brother.

Evidently their mother talks about me all the time to them and they know I dog sit. The were so excited and showed me all their toys one by one. I was quite exciting for everyone.

Once I got to the phone I dialed the only number I had memorized my first number in the program. The hub of communication for our program family. Can you call so and so he has a key an so and so to help break into the house.

The latter showed up first. He has done it before and I don't want to know where those skills came from. In the program this is a clearly don't ask don't tell situation. Within minutes I was back in the house.

It wasn't a crisis and didn't ruin my day, if I had been in my pj's that would have been an even funnier story and one I wouldn't be so happy to tell. I have learned over the years that not everything is a crisis unless I decide it has to be one.

So I better get back to work or I will be here all night. I will be sure to take some pictures to post when I get back.

Miracles happen sometimes it just takes awhile.

I had my belated birthday dinner with my sponsor last night. We met about 20 years ago when I kept seeing her following me to the meetings. We were instant friends and she never gave me too many rules. She was real patient with me and always positive.

She is still the most uplifting person I have ever met. Even though her home life wasn't too uplifting and her husband spent his evenings standing by his pick up truck drinking beer from a cooler. I guess he didn't think she would catch on after a few decades.

I always really liked him he was a large bearded man with a sand paper personality. Very smart but pretty mad at the world. We always got along because I can be pretty scrappy too when I want to be. He never intimidated me with his mean exterior.

In those days they never went anywhere together. He worked and then stood by the truck most nights. I remember for years she cooked him something and left it on the stove and we went to dinner.

With what she learned in the program she started creating a life of joy for herself. She started traveling the world with friends and let him stay where he was for as long as he wanted to be there.

A few years ago something changed. He stopped drinking and started attending mass each week. Six months ago he started a diet and has lost nearly 100 lbs. This week they joined a gym together.

Last night we all went to dinner together. He talked about love and forgiveness and letting go of past resentments. Living in the moment.

Just writing this has brought tears to my eyes. It is a miracle and one that is a mystery to me and her. When he left the table she said that she has no idea what woke him up. She said it certainly wasn't anything she did. She just lived her life and let him live his. Maybe it was something she did. She let him live his own life.

So miracles do happen. People can get sober without us Al-anons pushing them along. Everyone has to find their own way. It is hard when you love someone to just sit and watch while they destroy themselves. This is why the program works. It says you have to take care of yourself and let the other person do the same.

We want to help someone be somewhere before they are ready. I think when you push people they push back. I know I do. The child in me says I don't want to do it if you want me to. I want it to be my idea not yours.

Just sitting across from him last night I thought wow is this really happening? I am still amazed that even when we give up, God's grace is endless.

Gun slingers and facing the enemy

I had to be a grown up today and file my business taxes. It wasn't too bad. Of course I waited until the last minute because I know I will have to pay something.

My accountant is somewhere between 75 and 85 years old and she has the demeanor of a saloon bartender from those old west movies. She gave it to me with both guns blazing about waiting until the last minute.

She pointed out the mistakes I made filling out my quarterly taxes and I pointed out how I had corrected those mistakes and re-filed. I am always a little intimidated by her. She told me the last I was there everyone is just waiting for her to die so they can run the place.

I love her she great. After she scolded me we had a laugh when I told her "you don't scare me I have faced our arch nemesis the IRS and survived" I haven't received one letter from them since. I told her I was just happy to still be here and not menopausal and not depressed.

She wants me to let her do the quarterly taxes but I said at the time it was between her and keeping the electric on.

I had to confess to her that I am in charge of the accounting and some of the details of what has been going on. The first question was, are you getting paid to run someone else's business. I said I have been paying myself a regular salary. She said good and gave me some other good advice.

I am capable now and ready to get on with the business of life. I felt good to just get something done. I did end up paying a little bit and of course I paid her but it wasn't too bad. Today being a grown up wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I was off yesterday and couldn't get out of a funk. I went to my tried and true methods for shaking off the despair I was feeling. I read uplifting literature, I watched my favorite recorded shows and ended with a three movie marathon.

All were excellent distractions but the minute they were over the feelings reappeared. I finally decided maybe journaling would help bring the real answer to the top. I find that writing past the first page I can get to the real issue.

It seems to come back to the same thing for me, how did I end up here? Did I make bad choices in my life? Was I not enough for the people I loved. Apparently I wasn't or we would still be together. Truthfully no one is enough to meet all of another person's needs. The trick is that both people have to know that. Instead of looking for greener pastures. In long relationships you either grow together or apart.

I still feel the funk today and opted to come into the office before a late appointment today. I can't expect to feel happy every day. I can be grateful that I don't feel the way I did a few months ago.

With work at top speed I think trying to relax on my days off is hard. Going 0 to 100and back to 0 isn't that easy. I have faith that I will not be alone forever. I am just now coming out of a long period of grief and depression and starting to get strong again. I know timing is everything.