Donuts and Drivers

We went to our seminar on the science of selling some really good information about what people are looking for from their sales person. They talked about the four different types of buying personalities and how it is easier to sell someone that is your same personality.

I was surprised to find that I am the Driver personality only interested in the bottom line. Best price for the quality of product I have already chosen. There was the Artist just interested in the looks and the latest greatest thing. The Manager who wants to know how the process will work and how smoothly things will go and finally the Engineer who want to know how everything is made down to the last detail.

I asked the question, what about couples and he didn't really have a good answer, because there is not one. You do the best you can to identify who is really making the decisions.

I saw myself as the Manager and was pretty sure I was right until I took the test. I had absolutely no characteristics of the Manager. Zero. I was split pretty evenly between the three remaining types. The Driver a little stronger.

After the test I looked the at the statements that pertained to the Manager. Nope I am not one of those.

It just goes to show how our own perception of even ourselves can be skewed. Imagine how wrong we can be about others. Less judgement on my part is what I got out of it.

The trip home, with my soon to be new business partner, was nice. We did a little bonding and stopped at Krispy Kreme and ate hot donuts. It was the perfect ending to our two day trip.

Chocolate Frostys - Dinosaurs and Love

I am peaceful today despite two calls of disaster before I left the house. Not really my disaster but something for me to solve. When the phone rings before I get to work it is never good news.

Monday, my day off, wasn't a good day mentally. I didn't feel like doing what needed to be done and I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do. Then I beat myself for taking life for granted. What a cycle. Why can't you just be happy? That is what I ask myself like that is helpful in any way.

I called my neighbor with the twins and ask if I could just come over an hang out for a little while. The twins and their older brother were having a lunch that consisted of dinosaur shaped chicken, apples and cheese toast. For dessert yogurt with chocolate syrup and blue sprinkles. How fun is that?

It did help my mood but after lunch it was nap time and it would be a little awkward to join in. Don't get me wrong the kids would love it. But I left and decided to drive to Wendy's and get me non-dinosaur shaped chicken. I was good no fries but then I caved and drove around again and got a chocolate frosty. My sister says a frosty can solve most any problem. Maybe this is a family thing.

I had intended to go to the grocery store but the idea seemed overwhelming. I have no food in the house and when I say no food I really mean it. But I couldn't make myself go. I headed back to house and stopped first at the Goodwill to see what I could find.

I found four movies. One of my favorites You Have Got Mail. Cutting edge for the time when people in the know had America Online as their email provider. I like the movie because it is about unlikely love that turns out to be a perfect match.

My perception changed at the end this time. I have always been focused on the romance but this time I realized that Meg Ryan character was starting over in her career. She had been trying to keep her mother alive by keeping her mother's dream alive. She didn't really have her own dream.

I feel like maybe that is what I have been doing with this business. I am trying to keep it going the way it has always been. Keeping the owners dream alive. This isn't necessarily my dream.

I don't have the energy or the desire to do that anymore. I am slowly letting it go. There has been a definite shift in me trying to keeps things together. Maybe I had to get to this point to see that this may not be where I belong.

The business is changing and my holding on so tight has drained the creative life out of me. Maybe that is what I needed in order to surrender so God can step in and get things done without my interference.

A true miracle

A close friend called and ask me to join her for dinner last night. Really her daughter wanted to take a couple of us out to thank us for looking out for her in her absence.

The word absence in this case is an understatement. Her daughter is over 50 and is a recovering addict and alcoholic. She has had three years of sobriety which is a miracle. She has been addicted her entire life and has been in and out treatment since she was a teenager. We really thought she was a lost cause.

When her mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's seven years ago her daughter came to visit and hocked some of her mother's valuables to buy drugs. Her mom thought maybe the seriousness of the situation would bring them closer. It was sad for everyone.

No one knows why the last trip to AA worked for her and her husband. Her mother never gave up and worked her own program especially detaching with love. She encouraged her to call her every week no matter where she was or what condition she was in and promised her she would accept that call without judgement.

We had a long dinner almost three hours. The six of us laughing and talking about nothing important. Everyone there having a program and working it. She was making her amends to us and we were accepting everything as it was at that moment.

There is no guarantees in this world and we all know too well that recovery is one day at a time for all of us. She looked great healthy and happy and I was glad to be a witness to a true miracle.

Twins

Nothing is real. This is what I have to remember and maybe a far out concept for most but I have realized the everything is just seen from my wee little perspective.

At best rose colored glasses at worst from the self-absorbed child that I am sometimes. I say that in the most loving way, really.

What I mean is that the truth I perceive for myself has been tainted. I have filters that I have picked up along the way that help me see things the way I want to see them.

This is evolution my friend seeing that I am not really seeing. Every time I face that truth I become a little freer than I was before.

Since I can't really know someone else's truth I have no choice but to bring nothing to the table. I always thought I had special powers for summing people up but then I found this was caused by living in dysfunction when you have to be prepared for anything at a moments notice.

I have been asking myself lately if I really need those skills. I will never know whether I made an accurate read on someone or if maybe my own negativity affected the way someone reacted towards me. Then I could be so proud and say I knew they were going to do that. Self fulfilling prophecy.

I was reading this morning about how sometimes people aren't ready for the simple truth and if they understood that they were causing the pain they are in it would be too much. I get that now more than ever.

The years of the program revealed things to me little by little. Then I would stop growing for a while, a plateau you might say, mostly when I didn't want to see the truth. I would rest and focus on others until I was ready to move on.

I didn't think it was possible to feel the way I do now. I still get scared about the future but the past isn't holding me back the way it use to. Who knew I could find a way out if I kept searching.

Today things seem clear to me and I realized that my monkey mind had me up a tree yesterday. Things are never as they appear if I don't react I can see it is all just and illusion.

Are my feelings temporary?

My horoscope today said I am standing at a fork in the road concerning my career. I should make decisions based on the facts and not some future dream I might have for myself.

We are taking steps to transfer the business into our new company name. Some part of me is telling me I don't want to do this anymore and the other is telling me that the feelings I am having are temporary.

I heard a sermon not too long ago about accepting that a season has passed. Letting things go when it is time. Why do I feel like I am done here? Is that just me not wanting to do what has to be done or am I really done. The thought has crossed my mind that I might be trying to sabotage myself by not taking care what needs to be done.

I do this when I need to make a change that I am not ready to face. It seems a woke up a few weeks ago and decided I didn't want to do this anymore. I think I am losing it or am I?

I was reading some of my spiritual books last night and the theme of everything I was reading was patience. I am not patient when it comes to myself and the progress I am making or not making. I wish God would send me a little note saying hey you are doing the right thing, keep it up or you are wasting your time you need to move on.

Instead I am here just bobbing up and down in the water in my little boat with just one paddle. I am sure I will get the answers when it is time. Hey God anytime now.

I am where I am because this is where I am suppose to be. Once someone told me when you don't know what to do just do the next right thing and keep it simple. That is what I am going to do now.

P.S. I did go the movies yesterday.

Stuck in La La land

I am suppose to be working but feel I am still stuck in La La Land. I thought that having time off would get me to a place that I could start facing what needs to be done, whether I like it or not.

My spirit has other ideas today. My mind is giving me the business as usual. What is wrong with you?

This is your life we are talking here, you got to get moving!

In my younger years I could force myself to do just about anything no matter how much I hated it for as long as it took. Maybe after years and years of this I have had enough. It is a little scary to be like this and I wonder it some disaster might be waiting for me if I can't get myself to comply.

I am not sure how to restore myself and get my spirit back in the game. I thought 10 days off would be enough but maybe dealing with my family didn't give me time to find any joy.

My mind is saying right now, just grow up and get your butt in gear. Your an adult so act like one. Everyone has responsibilities, why do you think you're any different?

So I guess I better go an tackle a few things on the list or maybe I will go to the movies.

Picture from Mediabistro.com

Weekend with a Guru

I went with my friend and her daughter to an ashram for the new year weekend. I have been off since Christmas eve and doing a lot of traveling and thought maybe I should stay home. It is a couple of hours away and I wasn't sure if I could handle more time meditating or contemplating my life.

I woke up feeling pretty good. I decided to take some things to do if I decided I couldn't handle the agenda.

We got there at lunch time and then they had a singing and chanting session then dinner. After dinner the Guru addressed us and then we had cookies and went to bed. It was 9:30 and the party was over. Lights out at 10:00. I laid there in the dark for a few hours thinking about some of the things he said.

He had some wisdom which I could relate to these days. First he said the path to peace is too easy and therefore our ego will not accept it as the truth. First we have to decide to let go of the past and come to every situation fresh without baggage (my word) second have to let go of our vision for the future. This leaves us squarely in the moment a place of bliss.

He said we are divine children of God with only our own beliefs between us and peace. By uncovering those negative beliefs about ourselves we can be free and at peace. None of our opinions count only God's opinion and he created perfection. He said the ego makes us think that the path to peace must be complicated and we spend a life time search for something that has been there all the time.

Someone from AA (self identified) ask if you say we are perfect the way we are what are we striving for? He said that perfection is a man made concept that is unattainable and can not even be defined. Divine is as we were created not mans definition.

He said that working hard isn't bad but expecting a specific outcome causes us pain. Doing only what we love daily and the results will come naturally. If we do things only to achieve a certain result and do not enjoy the process it will ultimately harm us.

He said to be genuine in all your actions. He said sometimes we do things for other at our own expense because we think they want us to or need our help. He said that this will goes against us because it comes from a place that is not genuine. The example was in a new relationship being someone you aren't to please another and eventually this comes back to hurt the relationship and ourselves.

The above is my interpretation as I heard it. I am a working to rid myself of the past and have less expectations about the future. I want to focus on being happy living in the moment.

I liked being off the grid for the weekend and it was a nice ending to my time off. I have a lot of decisions to make in upcoming months. It is going to be the year of change for me but I am ready and believe it we take me to the next level spiritually.

Happy New.