I am peaceful today despite two calls of disaster before I left the house. Not really my disaster but something for me to solve. When the phone rings before I get to work it is never good news.
Monday, my day off, wasn't a good day mentally. I didn't feel like doing what needed to be done and I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do. Then I beat myself for taking life for granted. What a cycle. Why can't you just be happy? That is what I ask myself like that is helpful in any way.
I called my neighbor with the twins and ask if I could just come over an hang out for a little while. The twins and their older brother were having a lunch that consisted of dinosaur shaped chicken, apples and cheese toast. For dessert yogurt with chocolate syrup and blue sprinkles. How fun is that?
It did help my mood but after lunch it was nap time and it would be a little awkward to join in. Don't get me wrong the kids would love it. But I left and decided to drive to Wendy's and get me non-dinosaur shaped chicken. I was good no fries but then I caved and drove around again and got a chocolate frosty. My sister says a frosty can solve most any problem. Maybe this is a family thing.
I had intended to go to the grocery store but the idea seemed overwhelming. I have no food in the house and when I say no food I really mean it. But I couldn't make myself go. I headed back to house and stopped first at the Goodwill to see what I could find.
I found four movies. One of my favorites You Have Got Mail. Cutting edge for the time when people in the know had America Online as their email provider. I like the movie because it is about unlikely love that turns out to be a perfect match.
My perception changed at the end this time. I have always been focused on the romance but this time I realized that Meg Ryan character was starting over in her career. She had been trying to keep her mother alive by keeping her mother's dream alive. She didn't really have her own dream.
I feel like maybe that is what I have been doing with this business. I am trying to keep it going the way it has always been. Keeping the owners dream alive. This isn't necessarily my dream.
I don't have the energy or the desire to do that anymore. I am slowly letting it go. There has been a definite shift in me trying to keeps things together. Maybe I had to get to this point to see that this may not be where I belong.
The business is changing and my holding on so tight has drained the creative life out of me. Maybe that is what I needed in order to surrender so God can step in and get things done without my interference.