This week a lot has happened. Our manager who was managing two departments neither one too well, I have to add, was directed towards the one department he loves not ours. I heard him tell one of the sales people today that the other job was an 18 hour a day job and he always felt guilty that he wasn't spending time with us. Strangely he didn't willingly give up one of the positions.
Why do we do this? Why do we take on more than we can possibly handle and can't admit it. I was thinking about this today and thinking about why I do it. I have done it all my life I prided myself on never saying no to anyone that needed something accomplished.
Sometimes in sales it it greed. Your plate is full and you are worried that in a week it will all disappear. I have really been practicing that a lot this past month. Grabbing and holding on to everything that crossed my desk and then watching it all slip away because I couldn't handle it.
When I am running too fast and have left my spiritual self in the dust I live from a place of lack. Even though I haven't been hungry since my early twenties and I have never slept in my car because I didn't have a roof over my head. but this is what I still worry about.
Even if there is a greed factor there is something more to not being able to say no. It is a need to please or, for me, a need to prove my worth to my employers. "See you can't live without me I am your best employee" I hate to say it but employers love this kind of employee until they just can't manage and the bottom falls out. The employee of the year starts unraveling and collapses in the middle of the office.
Most of my Al-Anon friends are all like this it would take minimum of three people to replace any of us on the job. We want to prove we are carrying our weight and this make us feel valuable. The more valuable we are the more liked and loved we will be and we can feel superior to everyone else.
I am looking at this belief that has sustained me my whole life. The work ethic that I have bragged about and expected from others. I decided to try to let go of this idea that it is my effort that brings me success and consider that if I trust my higher power that I will be provided for and live more peaceful life.
I will do my share and no more. Last week I actually gave away a customer and today when the other sales person told me that it was a big job I hardly flinched. Hey you have to give me credit I am new at this.
It is hard for some of us to admit when we can't do something just like my ex-boss. We all want to think we can be Superman but we are better off admitting we aren't or we might just end up a greasy spot on the sidewalk when we fall from the sky.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Friendship - My canoe
The more I learn or the more I unlearn the more I realize how wrong I have been about everything. I have spent my whole life trying to nail things down. I wanted things to be the same all the time I wanted to know where I was going and what time I was suppose to be there and who would be there with me.
I thought this was the right way to think. We value things that last so we work hard to make them last. We value the numbers. The longer the relationship or the job or where we live the more proud we are of it. Even if a lot of those years have been painful and limiting and our zest for them left long ago.
In my life this idea of longevity was the target and brought on by the sudden and immediate loss of security I felt as a child. I was left to fend for myself emotionally and it was terrifying so as soon as I could I tried to lock things and people down in my life. People that seemed fiercely loyal and at work I did more than anyone else to insure a permanent place there.
I was surprised when the relationships and jobs ended in every case abruptly. Because I am as stubborn as a human can be I kept trying with the same results. I didn't want to believe that security did not really exist and that nothing was really meant to last forever.
I remember my first counselor 20 years ago told me that we each have our own canoe and we are paddling down the river together. We sometimes paddle side by side with someone for a time and then one of us starts to speed up or move closer to shore and we lose them. Our time together was over.
At that time I only recognized this as it pertained to my broken marriage but now I see this is true for everything. Especially friendships some people I thought would be with me forever have disappeared. In some cases I have tried to rekindle what was once there but it feels wrong.
Today I got a call from someone that what an important part of my life for awhile. We ate together talked on the phone but now it feels forced almost like a courtesy out of respect for what we had. It feels strange and sad for me but it doesn't make what we had less important.
I worry because my friend pool is shrinking but I know that is because I have changed. The old me wants to do something to get them back but the new me says it is time to move on and make new friends. I have been feeling un-tethered lately and the old fears of ending up alone have come back.
Today I spent the afternoon with new art friends and it was delicious. They inspired me and they like the untethered me which was nice. This is why I came home and decided to write. I can be happy here in my canoe today.
I thought this was the right way to think. We value things that last so we work hard to make them last. We value the numbers. The longer the relationship or the job or where we live the more proud we are of it. Even if a lot of those years have been painful and limiting and our zest for them left long ago.
In my life this idea of longevity was the target and brought on by the sudden and immediate loss of security I felt as a child. I was left to fend for myself emotionally and it was terrifying so as soon as I could I tried to lock things and people down in my life. People that seemed fiercely loyal and at work I did more than anyone else to insure a permanent place there.
I was surprised when the relationships and jobs ended in every case abruptly. Because I am as stubborn as a human can be I kept trying with the same results. I didn't want to believe that security did not really exist and that nothing was really meant to last forever.
I remember my first counselor 20 years ago told me that we each have our own canoe and we are paddling down the river together. We sometimes paddle side by side with someone for a time and then one of us starts to speed up or move closer to shore and we lose them. Our time together was over.
At that time I only recognized this as it pertained to my broken marriage but now I see this is true for everything. Especially friendships some people I thought would be with me forever have disappeared. In some cases I have tried to rekindle what was once there but it feels wrong.
Today I got a call from someone that what an important part of my life for awhile. We ate together talked on the phone but now it feels forced almost like a courtesy out of respect for what we had. It feels strange and sad for me but it doesn't make what we had less important.
I worry because my friend pool is shrinking but I know that is because I have changed. The old me wants to do something to get them back but the new me says it is time to move on and make new friends. I have been feeling un-tethered lately and the old fears of ending up alone have come back.
Today I spent the afternoon with new art friends and it was delicious. They inspired me and they like the untethered me which was nice. This is why I came home and decided to write. I can be happy here in my canoe today.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Thinking - 9 months
So I have been thinking a lot these past few weeks about my life and where I am going and what I am going to do with the rest of it. It is a luxury I know. I am single with no one to support but myself and I have regained the confidence to do just that over the past 9 months. Yes I can't believe it either it has been 9 months since I started my new job.
The job is going well not spectacular in the money department but well in that I can do it well enough to support myself. This week I have had some extreme ups and downs. At the beginning of the week I saw two kitchens where the owners were ecstatic over the results of their kitchen makeovers. Once said it was more than they could possibly imagined. How nice for me and them.
Today I feel restless maybe because I am starting to get my job under control and the fog of being new is lifting. Today I opted to work at home but that ended up with me avoiding working at all cost. I have worked a lot these past 9 months and think that maybe I am just worn out and need some time off.
Of course time off in a full commission based job is a risk. It means that for however many days you take off you will have a vacancy in the money flow some where down the line. Which is a little scary for us sales people this is why we never take off.
I feel really guilty when I have a day like today. So guilty that I don't actually enjoy doing nothing and I am afraid to even look at my phone for fear of seeing an unknown phone number that could be some customer looking for me.
Will I ever be satisfied to be human. I think my faults are exclusive to me that no one else ever just gets tired of their life as it is and checks out for a few days. I feel guilty because I know for the most part I have enjoyed the jobs I have had and the career choices I have made. I like what I do most of the time but occasionally I would like to just get away from me for a few days or maybe a week.
Leave me behind the one striving to be more or sometimes the me striving to be less. A place I could commune with others and share mundane chores and laugh. This is what I am missing in my life a since of a safe place to let my hair down and feel free. Any one know a place like that?
At the end of 9 months there is usually a birth of some sort so I guess I will just have to wait and see.
The job is going well not spectacular in the money department but well in that I can do it well enough to support myself. This week I have had some extreme ups and downs. At the beginning of the week I saw two kitchens where the owners were ecstatic over the results of their kitchen makeovers. Once said it was more than they could possibly imagined. How nice for me and them.
Today I feel restless maybe because I am starting to get my job under control and the fog of being new is lifting. Today I opted to work at home but that ended up with me avoiding working at all cost. I have worked a lot these past 9 months and think that maybe I am just worn out and need some time off.
Of course time off in a full commission based job is a risk. It means that for however many days you take off you will have a vacancy in the money flow some where down the line. Which is a little scary for us sales people this is why we never take off.
I feel really guilty when I have a day like today. So guilty that I don't actually enjoy doing nothing and I am afraid to even look at my phone for fear of seeing an unknown phone number that could be some customer looking for me.
Will I ever be satisfied to be human. I think my faults are exclusive to me that no one else ever just gets tired of their life as it is and checks out for a few days. I feel guilty because I know for the most part I have enjoyed the jobs I have had and the career choices I have made. I like what I do most of the time but occasionally I would like to just get away from me for a few days or maybe a week.
Leave me behind the one striving to be more or sometimes the me striving to be less. A place I could commune with others and share mundane chores and laugh. This is what I am missing in my life a since of a safe place to let my hair down and feel free. Any one know a place like that?
At the end of 9 months there is usually a birth of some sort so I guess I will just have to wait and see.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Denial - It is there when we need it
When I first came to the program there was a lot of things I didn't really know and I found there were a lot of things I didn't want to know. I was living in denial and as the layers of my denial fell away I felt worse about the person I had been up the that time. How could I have deceived myself how could I have not seen how terrible wrong I had been about everything?
Denial for me over the years has become the enemy and seeing things as they are and not as I wish them to be a goal I strive for everyday. Today I realized that denial is really there to protect us until we are ready to see the truth about a situation that could possibly devastate us. We are not ready until we are ready.
We went to my friends house for dinner tonight. She cooked a leg of lamb for a belated Easter feast. She has done this so many times and we have enjoyed many incredible meals there. My friend has Parkinson's and she is getting more and more fragile every day. She has been functioning independently pretty well but things are now starting to slip.
She like all us hard core Al-Anons she is as tough as nails and would never think of given in to the disease or even asking for help. This changed recently when she had an episode with the battery that stimulates her brain and keeps her from shaking. She accidentally turned one side off and her arm shook wildly until she realized what she had done. She has mentioned this every time I have seen her since and it seems like her own denial is being tested.
As I cleaned her kitchen tonight and I saw how rundown everything was in her house my own denial started breaking down. While I was depressed these past years I was present in her life but I didn't really see her or acknowledge what was happening to her. I feel ashamed now of my own self absorption.
I know it is just life and I also know that if I could have done better I would have. We all live life today as if everything will always be the same when nothing stays the same. This is how we survive we stop looking at what we aren't ready to see and if we are never ready then it is forced on us. Something happens that we can't deny and we have to deal with. I think we are there in this situation.
I am a strong person and now that my confidence has returned I will be able to offer my support. My friends and I are moving past denial and into acceptance and we will face whatever comes together.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Changes - Death and Love
My roommate is moving out at the end of the month. I am not sure whether I wrote about this or not. Her mother sold her house and they are renting a house together. It is funny when she moved in they could hardly stand each other but she says they have both changed.
It is true she isn't the same person she is was eight months ago. She been working her program and seems more comfortable in her own skin and less angry. I am sure it won't be easy living with her mom day in and day out at least they will have a chance to iron out any final issues.
I haven't been overly friendly with her I have had my own issues to deal with. With the new job I haven't been home much and when I was I needed to cocoon to recover. I have provided a nice home and tried to be a good roommate.
The timing seems right for me to have my house to myself again. My life is flowing and I am making plans and it feels really good. I will be open to another roommate when the right person comes along.
My best friend bought a house in my neighborhood and is moving in tomorrow. He did live across the street from another one of our friends that has Parkinson's. Her daughter who lives in California was pretty upset about him moving I guess she was depending on him to watch after her mother. She has decided she needs to move back here to look after her mom herself.
We are a little worried for our friend her daughter is a pretty big personality. When she visits our friend seems to disappear. Her daughter and her husband are both in recovery and have been four years clean and sober. Since my friends house is vacant we are hoping to convince her to rent his house. This way maybe our friend can keep some of her independence. Maybe this was all a part of a greater plan.
For me I am working way too many hours despite my resolution to take my life back. I haven't seen the light of day since I wrote that post. I am enjoying myself and as long as I get to my art class once a week I can keep up this pace for a while longer. I do love what I do most of the time and for that I feel grateful.
This weekend a lot of world will be acknowledging Easter. I happy time for the kids and a time for reflection for us adults. Even if you aren't a believer I feel we can all relate in some way to the experience of death and resurrection.
In my own life I have experienced many losses that felt like deaths. Where the loss was so great I thought I would never feel alive again but in time I did heal. A resurrection of my own spirit each time.
I didn't willing experience the deaths in my own life like in the Easter story. To give ones life so selflessly is to rise above human limitations and show the world what real love looks like which I think is the point.
It is true she isn't the same person she is was eight months ago. She been working her program and seems more comfortable in her own skin and less angry. I am sure it won't be easy living with her mom day in and day out at least they will have a chance to iron out any final issues.
I haven't been overly friendly with her I have had my own issues to deal with. With the new job I haven't been home much and when I was I needed to cocoon to recover. I have provided a nice home and tried to be a good roommate.
The timing seems right for me to have my house to myself again. My life is flowing and I am making plans and it feels really good. I will be open to another roommate when the right person comes along.
My best friend bought a house in my neighborhood and is moving in tomorrow. He did live across the street from another one of our friends that has Parkinson's. Her daughter who lives in California was pretty upset about him moving I guess she was depending on him to watch after her mother. She has decided she needs to move back here to look after her mom herself.
We are a little worried for our friend her daughter is a pretty big personality. When she visits our friend seems to disappear. Her daughter and her husband are both in recovery and have been four years clean and sober. Since my friends house is vacant we are hoping to convince her to rent his house. This way maybe our friend can keep some of her independence. Maybe this was all a part of a greater plan.
For me I am working way too many hours despite my resolution to take my life back. I haven't seen the light of day since I wrote that post. I am enjoying myself and as long as I get to my art class once a week I can keep up this pace for a while longer. I do love what I do most of the time and for that I feel grateful.
This weekend a lot of world will be acknowledging Easter. I happy time for the kids and a time for reflection for us adults. Even if you aren't a believer I feel we can all relate in some way to the experience of death and resurrection.
In my own life I have experienced many losses that felt like deaths. Where the loss was so great I thought I would never feel alive again but in time I did heal. A resurrection of my own spirit each time.
I didn't willing experience the deaths in my own life like in the Easter story. To give ones life so selflessly is to rise above human limitations and show the world what real love looks like which I think is the point.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Admitting there is a problem - Finding balance
I haven't had much spare time lately with work taking over my life which makes me happy but then wears me out. I have been pushing myself a little too hard which has resulted in me being a little under the weather.
I decided mid week that I have to take my life back from my new job. I think it is time to sets some limits even if the result is a financial penalty. The problem with being on full commission besides the obvious is you are afraid to let anything or anyone go. Your mind tells you "what if you run out of of customers?"
This hasn't ever happened even during the recession there was a trickle but the mind loves to live in fear. I think for me the worse part is that I really want to help ever customer I speak with but the reality is I can't. There isn't enough time and I am over committed and unfortunately the small jobs can sometimes fall through the cracks. Then I feel really bad.
I am not alone in this my fellow sales people are dealing with the same thing. Some are better at juggling than others and some just work millions of hours. My juggling skills are rusty and I not sure I even want to juggle again and I am already living at work so what do I do?
My body is already alerting me that something is wrong. My weight rising which is resulting in the return of a few health issues from my distant past.
I will take care of myself right after I close the three deals I have on the table. How many times have I said this in my past? The difference is now I can see what I am doing and I can make a choice before too much time goes by. I can choose to be present and take care of myself.
Can I practice what I preach and let go? Can I choose a life of balance not knowing what the result will be and trust that I will be taken care even if I don't know how?
I am starting here first and admitting there is a problem and then I am letting go and we will see what happens.
I decided mid week that I have to take my life back from my new job. I think it is time to sets some limits even if the result is a financial penalty. The problem with being on full commission besides the obvious is you are afraid to let anything or anyone go. Your mind tells you "what if you run out of of customers?"
This hasn't ever happened even during the recession there was a trickle but the mind loves to live in fear. I think for me the worse part is that I really want to help ever customer I speak with but the reality is I can't. There isn't enough time and I am over committed and unfortunately the small jobs can sometimes fall through the cracks. Then I feel really bad.
I am not alone in this my fellow sales people are dealing with the same thing. Some are better at juggling than others and some just work millions of hours. My juggling skills are rusty and I not sure I even want to juggle again and I am already living at work so what do I do?
My body is already alerting me that something is wrong. My weight rising which is resulting in the return of a few health issues from my distant past.
I will take care of myself right after I close the three deals I have on the table. How many times have I said this in my past? The difference is now I can see what I am doing and I can make a choice before too much time goes by. I can choose to be present and take care of myself.
Can I practice what I preach and let go? Can I choose a life of balance not knowing what the result will be and trust that I will be taken care even if I don't know how?
I am starting here first and admitting there is a problem and then I am letting go and we will see what happens.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Heading in the right direction
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| Tonights Model in Pastels |
After a weekend of laying flooring I felt pretty sore I am out of shape. With the new job I have been too busy and stressed to think about eating right or exercising.This crazy time reminds me of when I was working and going to school to get my design degree.
I have put on a few pounds but have decided to give myself a little time adjust to the changes I am going through before forcing myself into some unnatural regimen. The weight is the result of my life being unbalanced and treating the symptom won't help. In time I will find the balance.
Work is already getting easier for me. A friend said to me recently that if you let go your mind will come up with a natural rhythm for getting things done efficiently. I know that is true but I am impatient with my own progress.
On my best days, like today, I believe that most of the time life is flowing in the right direction am when I have the courage to take my paddle out of the water I can trust that I will arrive at my desired destination just in time. The ride won't always be smooth and sometimes it might be lonely but I can always trust that I am always headed in the right direction.
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