Friday, June 11, 2010

More of the same

Last night a group of us went to a local rehab center to do a meeting. We have been doing this as service work for about a year it has been rewarding for the most part but it can also be a little oppressive. The attendees have to come to this meeting in order to visit with their loved one on Saturday. So it is one step below a new comers meeting in that they don't come voluntarily so hostility or worse indifference is what we are faced with.

Generally they are either so sad they are beyond believing anything can help or are superior to the situation and think they have it all under control. By the time I got in the program I was a broken person and really just listened until I felt better. The superior me had been broken by the drinking and I had lost everything and that is what it took to get me to listen. It was devastation that brought to the place I am today and I am grateful.

I was superior for many years and I didn't have compassion for people that had problems they couldn't handle. I had problems and I managed to suck it up and get on with my life. Now I know that what I did was bury the pain so deep that I didn't have to face it. Without emotion I lived life like the walking dead. I didn't feel anything happiness or pain no feelings at all. When the devastation of addiction came into my life I had to face all the pain I had pushed down. It was terrifying at first when the tears came to the surface I thought it would never stop but it did eventually. Through the steps I was able to have compassion first for myself and then extend that to others.

I feel lucky that I found the steps and the road to a spiritual awakening. It isn't easy to be fully conscious all the time. Facing emotions good or bad can still be uncomfortable at times but now it is more scary to feel nothing. I look at the people in those rooms and hope they can find the freedom I have found through the steps. Their journey is different from mine and I don't know what their Higher Power has in store for them I wish them well.

1 comment:

  1. I found you through your comment on Syd's blog and liked what you had to share. I am new to my program (Al-Anon) and also am realizing I have "stuffed" feelings for a long time. Coming to meetings and reading blogs has helped enormously. Thanks for sharing.