Friday, January 27, 2012
Bad dreams - Staying on the path to peace
The other night I realized I was dreaming. I woke myself up sobbing in my sleep. I didn't really remember why I was sobbing but it seemed like a deep sadness.
My life is stressful not in the oh my God I got so much to do way but more in the oh my God what is going to happen to me way? How am I going to survive? I know no matter how I seem in the waking world my inner world isn't buying it.
I use to create a lot of stress for myself by overbooking and being all dramatic about my to do list. Then I realized it was my list and if I wanted to have less stress I could put less on the list. I figured out that being so booked made me feel important and more valuable to myself and others.
Today I live a pretty simple life and float above the chaos that was once part of my own existence. Everything use to go on the really important list. Everything was life or death for me. It created the drama that I had become accustomed to from childhood it felt like home.
Over time I have found that not many things fall into that category for me anymore. I enjoy living this way until someone tells me what I should be doing or I look around and everyone seems so busy doing nothing. I panic momentarily and my trust in God goes out the window. I have nightmares in my sleep I am terrified that I have let go and something bad will happen if I don't take the control back.
It doesn't last for long. I lived the first 30 years of my life dependant only on myself. I was miserable and my life was going no where. I was busy for sure but it wasn't satisfying and certainly not joyful. I was on to the next thing and never really savored any moment. I lost big chucks of time this way I think that is the point. When your unhappy you got to keep moving or your emotions catch up with you.
I am back to being peaceful and trusting that all will be revealed. This week I am taking care of the little things. It feels life I am preparing for a long trip of some kind. I am ready to let go now and move forward in whatever direction I am led. A calmness has set in and I know I am not on this path alone.