I am having some serious problems with this blog. Nothing seems to be working. Maybe it is a sign but one I am will to ignore for today. The spell check isn't working either and it won't let me cut and paste so this could be interesting.
I have be in a slump the past few days. I can't really put my finger on it. It seems I am hitting obstacles with most of my customers. Can't get the final commitment it makes me nervous. It is all part of the business of sales and the emotional process of a big purchase.
With the business side of my life kind of leveling out I have had the energy to look at some of the last skeletons in my closet.
A week ago the Melissa Etheridge song "Letting Go" started playing in my head. I saw her on a late night show night before last. Then yesterday one of the self help blogs sent me a link to a movie with the titled "Letting Go" I am seeing this as the universe trying to tell me something.
The movie Letting Go was really a self help guru selling his method cure for life. It is a technique I am familiar with. Practicing not resisting emotions and letting them surface without judgement. I find that if I stop what I am doing I actually notice I am holding my breath.
The scary part about letting go for me is it doesn't leave much behind. Living in the moment is like floating around with nothing tethering you to anything. If your mind has nothing to focus on it tries to bring up the past. That is all it has is the past. Mistakes are especially interesting to squirrel about because there is no solution to past mistakes. How ironic that we use up so much energy repeating the same sad episode in our head over and over.
My mind gets particularly agitated when I actually do let go and uses another tactic the future it says " YOU should be worried, what if you don't get that job or any job ever again, what if you don't ever meet someone again and you die alone and nobody finds you for weeks." This of course is another
When I am balanced spiritually I can see how crazy these messages are and don't let them take me down. Other times when I am thinking of the past and the mistakes I feel I have made that brought me here I listen carefully to every negative word in my head.
I don't understand why sometimes I am so vulnerable to the voices. The truth this time is that I am looking at the mistakes I have made without the veil of grief and depression. I am older and wiser after my walk through the desert and I can see clearly my shortcomings.
I can see how in my last relationship I was lost in my head a lot. Just like I am now. I feel bad that I wasn't paying attention to the grand canyon that had come between us that last few years.
I went to see the movie Hope Spring Eternal it might have triggered some of my guilt about being in my own world. I don't blame myself totally there is two people in a relationship I am just saying the amount of time I spent in my head didn't help.
Life happens and you do your best even if you find out later it wasn't that great. All you can do is move forward and start over with more information.
I am glad I was able to write today and find the source of this emotional bump in the road.