Friday, August 3, 2012

Saggy Baggy Pants - Changing my own behavior

I was at a friends house last night and the topic of young men wearing loose pants came up. This really seems to bother people. I thought it was funny because I went to a meeting on Monday and the same topic was brought up. Why does this really get to people?

Why is it we give so much attention to what other people are doing? I know for myself really the only hope of changing someone else's behavior is to first change my reation to it.

I remember when I first got into the program. I didn't know that changing my own behavior could or would actually change someone else's. Of course that isn't as easy as it sounds but it is a heck of a lot easier than changing someone elses behavior.

I remember testing the therory with my ex-husband. I was terrified. After we split he use to call me at work when he needed consoling. I was his emotional back-up plan. He would get the fix he needed, me on a string, and then I would be a emotional basket case the rest of the day. One day I decided to just tell him not to call me at work. This seems so simple but I was emeshed in the web of be addicted to the addicted.

I didn't want the divorce. I didn't want him to leave me and be with someone else. I thought these calls meant he was changing his mind. They were him taking care of his needs and me reading way too into it and not taking care of mine.

He didn't stop right away it took a few times of me holding firm in my request. He said he still loved me and of course he still did. When he said this I would say if you still love me then you will understand that these calls aren't good for me and will stop calling.

This was one of the first ways I started taking my power back. I wasn't being kind when I took those calls I was digging my nails into something I knew was slipping away. But the hope of his return was really killing me spiritually. I was used up and the disease had taken a not so healthy person to begin with and magnified all those insecurities ten fold.

Standing my ground was the first step towards recovering my own sense of worth. I had been brain washed into believing that his needs were my needs. We were the same person.

It was the start of a miracle in my own life. I was a separate person and entitled to make decisions independantly of anyone else. The responsibility totally terrified me but it was also freeing. It is a big job sorting out what is really you and what is someone else's label.

It is hard to live with no one to blame for your woes. I can't say that I haven't fallen back into the trap of blaming someone for my plight. But it doesn't feel right anymore. Even with this last breakup I was angry I wanted to feel self-righteous and some days I did but for the most part I couldn't sustain it for long.

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault it is just life. Life that didn't meet my expectations. No matter how much kicking and screaming I did it didn't change a thing.

My acceptance took a long time. The death of dream is a big deal. Whether that is a relationship or anything you believed would happen. The good news is once your over it life can actually be better. It is the holding on that makes it painful.

Everyone has their process and it takes as long as it takes.

I am not sure how I drifted back to acceptance and grief but it is the point. You can take your life back no matter how lost you might feel it belongs to you and you can make a choice to stop reacting to the behaviors of others. It isn't easy when things go wrong you have no one to blame but yourself.

As far as the loose pants. I guess if everyone would stop being so interested in saggy baggy pants then those guys would most likely try something else to draw attention to themselves.

1 comment:

  1. I really like your post today. What you wrote rings true for me too. It is still hard for me to hold on to boundaries and to differentiate between what is mine and what is your business. Everyday I struggle with that in some way or another. My attempt to take control just reinforces my own insecurities. Letting go is hard work. The death of a dream is especially difficult. I admire your strength and your experience speaks volumes. Good to be in touch again.