Thursday, August 30, 2012

Laying on the ground - A moment of clarity

I was discussing recovery with a friend today.  She is in counseling and it getting pretty tough. She said sometimes she wishes she hadn't opened that box and let the truth out. But it is too late now and the feelings that surround how she got where she is today have to be dealt with.

Why do some people decide to do the work and some don't.   It may seem sometimes we really don't get a choice life gets so bad that you get broken open.  You're laying there on the ground and you think "How did this happen?" At that moment you have total clarity your like sucks and you are ready to make a change but how may times does that moment pass and  you go back to your life even if it does suck. You join all the people doing the same thing.

Sometimes you bump along a few more years or a few more decades accepting the unacceptable being miserable and something worse happens and you get another opportunity and yet again a another moment of clarity. A decision is finally made to do the work. To see life as it really is and not how you pretend to be. You been waiting forever for a miracle to come along fix everything but it hasn't happen. So you take the plunge admit your powerlessness and open that box.

My friend is right there is no going back. Being accountable for your own life your own decision getting to the truth about yourself is both freeing and exhausting. No one to blame realizing I got myself into this mess and knowing it won't be easy to myself out isn't a walk in the park.

I didn't think anything or anyone could help me or change the pain I felt inside. I thought everyone was stuck with their lot in life and there was nothing you could do about. I am happy to report I was wrong.

The 12 steps saved my life.  Of course I have to give myself credit for being willing to be saved from my life.
I am worth the work and even now I find myself occasionally on the ground but so far I have chosen to continue to do the work even if I have to lay there for awhile first.

1 comment:

  1. I thought the same--that nothing could rid me of the pain except death. But I'm very much glad to be alive today.