I let my mind get the best of me yesterday the second day of my two days off. I felt paralyzed and stayed in bed for a lot of the day. I didn't call anyone because everyone is busy with their own stuff and I feel I have worn out my welcome in the "I am depressed" department.
I think about how complicated my life use to be and how much work I have done to simplify things for myself. I wonder if I have gone too far by eliminating the extras in my life.
Where do I get this over thinking from? Is this a family gene passed down to me from my mother mixed with the obsessive gene passed down from my father. A deadly combination for sure.
My mother's family were thinker's and drinkers. In my opinion this might go hand in hand. I didn't get the drinking gene but sometimes I wish badly to escape my own head and can understand the compulsion and ultimate addiction. Having reached the age of non sleep I have no escape from the thoughts that make me nuts.
My search for the truth has led me down a path of thinking that life is pointless. I know if you are reading this you are thinking hey "you better get some meds". It might be an anniversary I am coming up on five years of being alone with my ups and downs. I just want to feel like my old self again instead of feeling like my life has no meaning. Where does that thought come from? My mind is trying to kill me.
Don't worry I did call my sponsor today. She said peace and joy are all internal. You can't count on anything external to bring you peace or joy. This of course I know. This is the issue I can't find an internal path to feeling better today. Since I don't have the answer now I am planning to do the next right thing which is the work sitting my desk.
Someone I knew in AA once told me she put herself in timeout. No thinking. Sometimes for days or even weeks. We make ourselves crazy and we isolate. This is destructive and why we have to let someone know just how bad our thinking has gotten.
I will work through this one more time. It isn't as bad as it was before and overall my life is pretty good. (What? Is that a positive statement?) I have had many incidents of the darkest before the dawn and I have the tools I need to overcome if I bother to open the toolbox.
Today I will "keep it simple" my favorite of all slogans. I will put myself in timeout and stay in the moment.
Some days since leaving my marriage of 17 years, the only peace I feel is when I cry out to my Higher Power: "Please help me, God!"
ReplyDeleteAn old-timer in AA says we do best when we try to just watch the hard times as they flow, believing that our HP wants us to be happy. My mind has always been my worst enemy. Take care, and may you feel serenity and peace.
I can relate to your post very much. Sometimes my head is a most dangerous place to be. For me, one thing that helps is to read or study something that actually addresses how uncomfortable I am in my own skin when I get that way. One of my favorites is Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart". It's not program literature, but in my case, it really gets to the core of that "unease". I find that when I start to feel squirmish, if I pull that out, read and meditate, it helps during those quiet hours of the night.
ReplyDeleteI seem to have the same problems. Things are difficult for me and I always have to stop and assess, "What is the next right thing?" It is weird that this action is often "do nothing" or to do some simple thing. But, it is working and I could get used to the idea of less stress!
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