Our copier broke down and we called the repairman. He had done work for us before but I really didn't know that much about him. He was there for a few hours and I learned some interesting things.
He use to be a pastor of a church but left that designation to start a home church. He said it is a very fluid group and no one is in charge and everything is done organically (his words).
He has being doing this for a few years now and said it was wonderful not to have the stress of over head expenses. He said the paying bills and money always interfered with his true purpose giving help and support to whoever needed it.
He said it wasn't for everyone because it is so open and people have to think for themselves instead of relying on the pastor or other designated leader to tell them what to do. He said sometimes people become downright annoyed when he won't tell them exactly what to do. He said he tells them to pray for guidance from God.
I broke my anonymity and told him that this was the very reason I was attracted to Al-Anon. Everyone takes responsibility for themselves and we are all equal sharing our experience strength and hope.
I do understand their frustration it can be hard when you are lost or waiting for a clear direction for God. Please someone anyone tell me what I should do!
He said that taking on the part of someone's Higher Power (my words) diminished their relationship with their own High Power and keeps them from learning to trust themselves and God for the answers.
I shared with him a few of my current fears. The fact that I am changing and realize I am not the person I once was in the world of business or any world for that matter. He said I should pray about it.
I find myself looking at others and thinking that I am lacking in some way, not measuring up to who's standards? My own standards. Accepting that the truth is that I am not the person I was and I really don't want to be. I have to let go of the labels of myself that are out dated.
I am bigger that those labels now. I am a spiritual being on a path that isn't limited to what I do. I fight that wee bit of me that feels uneasy being label free. That part of me that says " someone look at me" This world is built on who you are and what you have accomplished and just being ordinary doesn't seem like enough sometimes but, I am always enough in God's eyes just not my own.
The copier man did invite me to his group 9 AM on Sunday morning. I confessed that I am a night owl and I have accepted this about myself without guilt so it was unlikely that I would attend. Over the past few days I have accepted myself and what is, once again, and feel free and happy today.