I have a birthday coming up on Labor Day. Isn't it nice that most of the country takes off to celebrate.
I am not sure what the plans are at the moment. I have to face the fact that I have jettisoned most of my casual friends and some of my close friends. I have some guilt about that when I think of all the birthdays we spent together.
I had to empty my life for what ever reason. I felt I drowning and weighted down my some unknown entity. I purged it all not knowing what was the problem. It was my past of course the belief that I could not escape it and I wasn't ready to face the fact that past only exist in my head.
I have moments of loneliness. Being fully awake has its drawbacks. I am responsible for being exactly where I am at this moment. The difference now is that I can feel the loneliness and let it wash over me as just for this moment of time. I don't have to thrash around and run like I use to chanting to myself. I don't want this, I don't want this...
I have felt such peace not resisting. I have been able to even look at my childhood religion and see that I have run from Jesus because I didn't want to have anything to do with anything my family was associated with. I could see that it wasn't him it was them I was running from. In my child like mind I didn't want to make them happy by accepting any of their beliefs, so I threw all of them out.
I liked the program because you weren't aloud to talk about Jesus. We talk about God and a higher power a power greater than ourselves. I wouldn't have stayed if Jesus had been involved. Jesus must carried the baggage of every crazy thing done in his name.
Hey I can say this because I was beaten in the name of Jesus so I understand the pain that goes with his name. I have been comfortable with God for a long time. I have read a lot of books on the idea of God. For me it was what I was resisting that was holding me back.
This was the boogie man in the closet for me the last childish thing. I had to see that it wasn't Jesus it was the negative power his name had over my life. The negative power I gave it.
I am not saying I have become a Jesus freak passing out pamphlets on the street like I did as a child or that I have joined a mega church. The point is that it is all OK with me now the resistance is gone. I can look at his teachings and take what I like and leave the rest. I can come home to some of my childhood beliefs and see the good there not just the bad.
I have found that anything that I resist has some fear associated with it. In this case a fear that I would become like them or I would fall in a hole that I could not climb out of. I did that anyway. I can separate from my emotions and say it wasn't all bad and some of the teachings were pretty good.
Byron Katey said if you stumble across a rope in the grass and you think it is a snake you might run off screaming. Once you see that it is just a rope you can never be afraid of it again. I am not afraid anymore.