I decided to take baby steps this Christmas. First I went out to visit my cousins house, for the day, where my aunt is staying for the holidays. It is an hour north and I figured I could stall for one more day the decision on whether to head to my sisters.
My aunt has been great to me and really has made me feel welcome. While we were visiting the men saw my tire was flat and promptly removed it from my car and took it up to tire store and got it fix. It is weird to have people someone look after me.
It was a nice day and on the trip home I felt I was up to heading ever further north.
So I made the choice to do something different this year and be with my birth family instead of my program family. Saturday I hopped in my car and drove north to my sisters without expectations.
I listened to Eckhart Tolle's a New Earth on the way up. It helped me to see how the fear comes from my own ego. Taking me back to my story. The story of my childhood and my fear on not belonging anywhere. Learning to be comfortable not knowing where I belong. Really living without a label or an identity. Can I do that? Can I live without a label?
With every label comes expectation. I am the little sister and I have to carry all the memories that go along with that or do I? They are my stories from my perspect and the details are sckewed by my emotions at the time and since then. My baggage. All my insecurities relived over and over in my own mind.
I got to thinking what if I brought nothing to the table. What if I acted like this was my first visit and didn't try to read anything into the words being said. Left my baggage at home. Untainted by the past. Could I do this? I could try.
When I put my ego aside and refuse to let fear make the choices for me I can feel free. I can let the past go and live in the moment.
So I am with my family of origin for the first time in twenty years. It feels pretty good.
Today my sister, my niece and I cooked all day. It felt good to be somewhere different and not a bit weird. These are my people. I didn't feel like I had to give my opinion or do things my way. I put my ego aside and let things flow.
At the end of the day we got a call from a young couple they know. They wanted to stop by with their kids. I laughed as my whole family turned the house upside down looking for things to turn into gifts. A little re gifting here and there.
My sisters ability to fly by the seat of her pants never ceases to amaze me. In the past this would have made me nuts and I would have sat in judgement. I have changed and can see it doesn't really matter. Live and let live.
I did a little of my own flying today when I made dressing of a combination of odd things from the pantry and a few stalks of celery from neighbor. It was was a success.
I have had too much bannana pudding and feeling like santa himself. I am hoping he brought you the perfect gift like he did for me this year. My family.