It can be hard to face what is especially this time of year. I sat on the couch last night and watched a friend of mine prepare stocking bags for her grown kids. The Christmas tree was lit and there was tons of presents under the tree.
I thought about a time when I put all my heart into the holidays. It seems so far away now and I couldn't help but ask myself, how did I get here?
I recalled a Christmas when I actually bought my ex something really special. A piece of art that we saw in a public place on our weekly bike rides. I hunted down the artist and had another made. It was the only Christmas moment I could remember after 13 years. When I was packing the house up it was the only specific thing mentioned that I could not take. I guess it did mean something.
I wish sometimes I could go back to the days when I was more unconscious and I celebrated the holidays with abandonment. The truth is most days I wouldn't go back for any amount of money because it was mostly just a cover for the pain I was feeling.
Now sometimes I feel I have lost my place in this world. I am not sure what my purpose here is anymore.
I don't feel a part of anything. I am going to see my family for a few days. The family I lost a long time ago. I don't know whether they really want me to come or not and part of me thinks I might be happier staying home. I am trying to do something different and trying to reach out but maybe it is too late.
I have made choices in my life that have led me to where I am today. It has taken me a life time to see my part in everything. I am grateful that I am not blaming others for my choices anymore and not waiting for others to make the first move.
I didn't mean for this to be a downer post because it isn't how I feel. I am just unsure of where I am going at a time when everyone seems to have a place to go.
I have places to go and I will act as if I belong when I get there. No one but you knows I don't feel as if I don't. Maybe everyone feels this way or maybe it is just a familiar place for me. The outside.
I don't take all these feelings too seriously but I can't help but but analyze them. I know they will pass and if I would just lower my expectations I would be happier.