I get the feeling everything is changing around me. Am I ready? Does it matter it is coming either way.
I get this feeling I am preparing for the next level in my life. The break through and breakdown over work made me see how easily I get stuck in my own thinking. My mind or ego goes beserk when I can control what is happening around me.
I went to my first real party last night in four years. I say real because there were strangers and mingling. The woman hosting the party lived on the same street I did in my previous life. Her relationship ended after thirteen years and she has a new apartment and a new life to rebuild. She has just started to put her life back together. Seeing her made me grateful to be further along in getting my life back together.
I remember the first months in my new house having my friends over every weekend filling every minute of my life so I could put off the inevitible wave of grief heading my way. It didn't work I had to go through not around.
Luckily not everyone has to takes as long as I do to get over things. She told me I thought it was forever. I said so did I. She said she was a relationship person and I said some am I. She said I hope to have another relationship one day and I said so do I.
That was two people at the same place in their lives summing up the whole heart break and hope of the situation in as few words as possible. We understood each other so clearly in that moment. Surrounded by loud happy couples but alone at the same time.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I know I am going to make it now even if I don't have someone to share my life with. It feels good to stand on my own again. I am not afraid anymore and that is the greatest Christmas present I can get.
I hear you saying that each of us makes it by realizing we can handle our own company, without being distracted from our existential angst by having people with us night and day.
ReplyDeleteI also hear the paradox, which you expressed so well in so few words to the hostess at the party you attended: that when you are really at home in your own skin, then and only then, are you ready for relationship.
For some of us, that alone time is key in finding ourselves at home in our skin. For others, used to too much aloneness, it is learning to shed self-consciousness in the presence of others.
I too came to the realization that I could survive and even THRIVE on my own. Change is inevitable, that is true!
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