I wanted to write another post to let you know I have identified the reason for my sudden depression after the holidays.
I thought it was strictly chemical but it turns out it has to do with something my sister said to me. I felt bad again today and couldn't shake it no matter what I did. I finally called my sponsor today.
I was telling her about my trip to my sister's house. She knows her because for years I wouldn't go there alone. When I would visit it was like I was invisible so I started taking my friend and sponsor with me. We played the tourist so it didn't matter if my sister made time for me.
Today I was telling her that my sister told me that the reason my husband left me 20 years ago was because I was too much work for him. Before she said this she said I know you don't want to here this but. I didn't react and brushed it off at the time. She didn't know me then or my husband and really had no basis for saying that.
I believe my husband was an alcoholic and an adult child of an alcoholic. I was equally messed up with my own stuff and didn't have a clue how to deal with him or his anger. I was in my 20's with no tools to work with. I did my best.
When I told my sponsor what she had said tears started rolling down my face. Evidently some part of the what she said I felt was true. I loved him so much and when he left it broke my heart. It also saved my life because I went to Al-Anon and learned how to see how messed up my thinking was. Was it my fault he left? No.
My sister's words weren't meant to hurt me. Most unsolicited advice isn't meant to intentionally hurt someone but it can and does.
I have done the same thing plenty of times I am sure. I think it is interesting how the words of someone you love can hurt more deeply even when you aren't close.
I have problems reaching out because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to be too much work. Maybe this is why her words hurt and even when she said it I blocked the emotions until I was home and felt safe.
It is easy to see where others have made mistakes even when you can't see the ones in your own life. Maybe I am too much work. I know sometimes I am too much work for myself. But that is my own business.
The depression has lifted.