Thursday, December 15, 2011

I quit - God no longer needs my assistance

My horoscope today said I am at the end of my rope and I should act quickly before it is too late. I should face my fears and not retreat to my usual mode for comforting myself.

I took that as not to blog which is my normal escape. I guess I am not listening. I have come to the end of my rope, this part is true, I have seen the light and feel I must make some changes.

This year for me has been emotionally and financially draining. I was glad that I wasn't awake for most of it but now that I am I can't continue to deny what is before me. I knew I had been just surviving but when I looked at the numbers yesterday it all came to a head.

In my life I have always stayed until the bitter end. I am loyal to a fault and the last one bailing out the water in the bottom of the boat with a paper cup. It feels unnatural to do anything different. I have been abandoned many times so I don't want to do that to someone else.

Two things come to mind first that I am stubborn and giving up has not been an option. The second thing is that I don't really know how to truly put myself first. Even if everyone else is doing just that. I would rather suffer myself instead letting other people suffer. I think I am stronger I can handle it better, I have found that isn't really true.

That sounds like my ego talking, saying I am stronger. Maybe I am keeping someone from standing on their own and learning only what life lessons can teach you. Isn't that where I have gained the most growth myself?

Either you have faith in a power greater than yourself or you don't. Either you believe everything is in perfect order or you don't. You can't decide that god needs your help and let go at the same time. I have heard that you need to do the foot work, really? Is that true? It is a trap for me I can use that to justify just about anything I am doing. Does God really need my help?

Where is this all going? Well I am going to have to find a mortgage job. I year ago the thought of that made me cringe, but I am not the person I was a year ago. I don't feel so desperate to hang on to really any part of my life's dream.

I don't think that in order to be happy something specific has to happen. I can just surrender and let god take me where he wants me to go. This time I don't have to be responsible for everything, just my small part. I don't have to be the savior or the glue that holds this boat together. I am letting go.

I went to a friends house last night and just let my emotions go. The tears just flowed and I didn't try to control myself. They were not tears of sadness but tears of freedom. I can see that this is growth I can let go and be open to the endless possibilities instead of thinking my way is the only way.

I talked to my partner this morning and told her I was looking for a night time mortgage job. I found a few with hours from 5-10 M-F. This would give me time to transition out of the business or help build a new business. I could still work Saturdays if I wanted.

I think my unconscious self is really running the show and if I am honest the idea of being free excites me. Customers these days are demanding and are always trying to get your expertise without paying for it. It is human nature to try to get something for nothing and I don't take it personally. They don't have to get it from me anymore. I also want some relief from feeling so desperate to close every job and to keep things going. I have felt alone in my effort.

Send me your thoughts and send me your prayers, if you pray. I feel good today. I feel calm and in good hands.


1 comment:

  1. I laughed at your title :) ! It reminds me of a tongue-in-cheek sort of plaque a friend of mine has that says something along the lines of "good morning, this is God, I'll be handling your problems today, I don't require your help.' How funny, both of them! But maybe neither are completely true.

    I think you're right about having to do the footwork. In my case, God 'parted the waters' in a big way a few times. But I still had to hear - or know- and cooperate, and I still had to put my feet to the river bed, and walk. I wish you well. I pray, so I'll wrap you up in prayer, too.

    Oops, something else. You talked about a life's dream, too. Just today I felt a freedom of my own in imagining my abandoning a long-cherished dream. My hold on it has always felt desperate, too. Freedom is the right word. How uncanny that you talked about that today... I'm discovering to my surprise that the dream may no longer be a good fit. Not a good fit with developing and evolving aspirations, and new dreams forming, as I recover - in Al-Anon. As I'm restored.