Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Finding nothing - uncomfortably still
I have been off the last two days and feeling pretty restless. I did have a tile emergency to resolve yesterday when one of my customers thought we had installed the wrong tile. I went by the office and picked up the sample and all is well.
I spent a few hours reading the Steve Jobs biography yesterday. I had reserved it from the library and had forgotten about it. I was number 247 so I thought maybe next year I would get the notification.
It mostly covers his career and towards the end the dynamics of his family. He authorized the book and didn't ask to review it before it was published. I didn't really show him as a thoughtful kind person. It showed him as a brilliant driven perfectionist with only one goal in mind the ultimate product being constantly improved.
I don't think that you can have it all. When you have great success in one area in your life then something gets left behind. If everything gets equal attention then you end up with everything falling in the middle. So how do you choose between your passion and the rest of your life. Is if fair to those in your life to get short changed.
I have been that person many times. I can become obsessed and so totally focused on one thing that the rest of my life gets ignored. Looking back I can see that I have live my life mostly out of balance. With my husband I was obsessed with him and my career suffered. Later I was obsessed with my career and my relationship suffered.
I have also been on the receiving end of that scenario too. Being ignored for alcohol, work, sports whatever the latest shiny thing was. I realize now I was living with myself all that time. You spot it you got it as they say.
I am more balanced now but miss the intensity of the one thing the current obsession. I no longer have extremes in my life and it makes me feel strange. Like I should be on the hunt for something new. Instead I am living in the moment and trying to accept that it is enough for today.
I have lost the drive to sacrifice everything for one thing anymore. Even my quest for spirituality became an obsession. I didn't want to see that the answer was to just stop looking for answers. To be still and be comfortable with being uncomfortably still.