Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Voices in my head - Friends forever
I spent the yesterday with a former client and current friend painting on canvases. She lives in one of four houses she owns it is very beautiful and sits on the water over looking a big man made lake.
For lunch we split a sandwich on the veranda next to the pool. The weather was awesome and we finished our meal with Key Lime pie. A perfect day really.
During our painting somehow the topic of making money came up and she said she wish she could think of an idea that would make a lot of money. I thought that was strange given her life circumstances.
I thought about how sometimes the life in our head conflicts with reality or at least what other people see from the outside. How we are never satisfied where we are no matter what. There must be something more somewhere out there. A longing that never ceases.
When we paint she is never happy with what she produces and spends hours on one little area. I remember when I was like that. I was so critical of myself and had so many rules. For years I never started anything unless I knew I had the time to do it perfectly.
I spent a lot of time doing nothing and beating myself up about how lazy I was.
She spent the three hours I was there working on a couple of clovers. I painted a lovely turtle painting and gave it to her as a gift. She loved it and put it in a frame while I was there.
We are all the same no matter what our circumstances are. We each have 24 hours to make the best of what we have or fight with the voice that lives in our head.
I spent so many years, just like that, being mean to myself. Never a kind word but the program helped me to see why I was so unhappy. It helped me to see that I could change from constantly abusing myself. I could learn to see I was perfectly flawed and still lovable.
I started by making friends with that voice in my head. I might as well we spent so much time together and evidently her opinion was really important to me and she never stopped talking. It didn't happen over night and started with if you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.
I realized there was no grounds for most of the criticisms and a lot were the voices of other people from my past. A child hearing and believing everything that was said.
We are best friend now. Me and the voice, we have grown up together. She is my cheerleader and I even on my toughest days she is to assures me that I did my best. Even if I don't totally believe that all the time.
I am happy to be me today and see how far I have come on my journey.