Thursday, April 5, 2012
Expectations - Peace and the joy of a nap
I felt overwhelmed and exhausted yesterday and left work at 5PM, went home and crawled into bed. It was an hectic day and I thought I was going to be alone in the office but instead and parade of people, not customers, were coming an going.
My partner had texted me that she wasn't coming in because her mom couldn't keep her daughter. I had and expectation of quietly accomplishing everything on my list. This did not happen and I ended up in a swirl all day with no food.
The air was being fixed. How many people does it take to fix an air condition? They fixed it on Monday and then it was decided that if we are going to cage the two units that a slab must be poured to accommodate both units and to be able to affix the $800 large welded cage being built to protect the $20 worth of copper inside the unit. It makes me tired just writing that.
After I woke up from my nap I made myself a burger. A rare thing for me to have fresh food in the house especially meat. I had some squash and then grapes for dessert and watched my favorite show Idol. I felt like I was on vacation.
I did get a call from my friend that I painted with on Monday. She was concerned that I left suddenly that afternoon. She thought is was something she said. As I was driving home that day it did occur to me that she might think that.
I use to think like that that everyone was always reacting to something I did or said. I sadly found out that everyone is really just thinking about what is going on in their own head and their moods rarely have anything to do with me. I am only the center of my own universe.
I explained to her that I finished my painting and felt too tired to start something new and went home and took a nap. It is allergy season and I have a lot on my plate these days. I haven't been able to nap the last 4 years. During menopause you are just happy to sleep at night. But I am returning to normal and the joy of a nap has returned.
I finished the evening with an hour of yoga and Pride and Prejudice. I bought the book a long time ago and never read it. After watching "You've got mail" a half a dozen times it occurred to me that I had the book and decided to see if it could hold my attention. Not an easy job. Tom Hank and Meg Ryan read it together in the movie.
The past 4 years I also haven't been able to do any recreational reading either. I was only interested in reading spiritual text. I was surviving day by day and wasn't interested in fiction for fun. It seems I am past that now and getting comfortable with the person I have become and the life I have now.
In my post yesterday I was writing about the voice in my head never ceasing. That isn't really true anymore for me. Sometimes it is eerily quiet in there with little or no commentary. I didn't think that was possible and it had taken a bit of time to get use to to it. I think they call that peace.
It feels good to be happy again and feel like I can handle life's normal ups and downs. It was exhausting living on the edge and I thought it would never end. Peace at last.