Thursday, November 29, 2012

Growing up - One more time

I am working tonight and decided to take a break and do a little writing.  I relieved that the sun reappeared today after yesterday's winter looking weather. I say looking because for those who have real winters having the temperature drop just below 60 degrees is laughable, but we whine anyway.

My business partner and I decided to go out to lunch a rare thing for use because we are like ships in the night. We sat on the patio of a local restaurant wearing our jackets. The sun was keeping us warm and it was the best part of the day for sure.

My partner and I have had some growing pains but I think we are good for each other. Being on my own a lot I only have myself to police myself which doesn't work so well. I reason things out with people in the program but no one has your same experience so a lot of the time I am in un-charted waters and she is too.

Every spiritual path I have studied says that the people in your life are there to reflect parts of yourself that you need to do some work on. The program says you spot it you got it. The ACIM says these are special relationships where you need to forgive that part of you that keeps coming up in other people.

I constantly have to face myself and my own immaturity. I have to see that the problem is always with me and not where or who I think it is. Focusing on the other person is just a distraction from where the real problem lies, within me.

I have been weak for a long time. Broke open by life and wanting to run and hide and even disappear. I have dreamed of ascending and skipping this life altogether. But alas I am still here trudging down the road one day at a time.

I am stronger than I have been in a very long time. A peace has settled upon me that feels familiar from some distant past. I am growing up and accepting that this is the life I have been given and I need to decide what I am going to do with.

For most of my life I have been known as the rock. The person that no matter what could be counted on. That person disappeared and I lost my way and my worst fear was that I would spend the rest of my life being scared.

Now that I ready live my life again I hope the world  won't end on December 21st.

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