I am feeling more relaxed about myself these days. Yesterday I opted to get out of the house and do some errands on my day off. I am not much of a shopper of new things but sometimes you have to buy food.
I love shopping thrift stores and other second had places like our local Habitat for Humanity recycle store. Yesterday I scored a great new (new for me) floor lamp for my studio. My studio has great light in the day but only one overhead bulb at night. I have about four lamps in there but it still seems dark.
With the days creeping closer to T-Day my mood seems to be holding steady. It has been five years already you would think I would let it go.
I think this time maybe I have. Could it be my unconscious has let me move past this wound. Is it possible that somewhere deep in the core of me something that was raw is finally healed. I usually pretend that I am over something way before I am really. I guess only time will tell.
I bounce along like all is well and then I end up blind sided with sadness. Then I say to myself "what is wrong with you?" Usually someone that knows me points out the date and it makes me mad that once again unconsciously I am grieving the loss. Yuck.
Being mad at myself isn't really that helpful and no matter what you do it takes however long it takes to heal. It is humbling to know that I am not super woman or that I can no longer push down my feelings like I have done in the past.
I feel now I can finally step back a let myself off the hook. Maybe. Until now I was saturated with too much emotions to see that it was okay to feel this bad for this long. I kept saying to myself "get over it already" or worse " this must be about something else, but what?" This could send me down another road to crazy.
I was about the loss of the life I thought I was going to have even if I wasn't happy. It was about moving and starting over in a different house a different neighborhood a different grocery store. I resisted this change at the core I shunned everything that resembled who I was before.
I didn't cook or clean. I didn't eat because the old me liked to eat. I didn't even watch the same TV shows. I let go of anything that had anything to do with my past life. Everything reminded me of who I use to be and I didn't want to feel this or feel anything really. I punished myself because the act of being left again just proved what I knew was true I was un-lovable. Something was wrong with me that I was not a keeper.
This wasn't a conscious in any way. My mind said "it is not your fault" but my didn't buy this excuse. If I had been better period this wouldn't have happened again.
For a time I tried to make myself worthy of love by be everything to everybody. I sponsored people, I volunteered, I booked every moment of every day to prove to myself that I was needed and loved. I felt worse than ever and could spend a second alone with my own mind.
I had a breakdown and shut myself up in my room for a long time. I let no one in that needed me in anyway. I decided that I had to face my worse fear that I am not needed and I am not loved. I am on my own and only have the love of God and myself. Can I live with that? Can I accept that I may never be enough for someone else?
People in my life do love me but I don't want that love to be the foundation for my self-esteem. I want to feel secure without that love. People leave, this I know from experience, sometimes by choice and sometimes by death. We have to grieve those losses but you can't tie your worthiness of love to another person.
In then end it is just a part of life. I am not special a lot of people have been left but it is personal. It made me face fears I didn't even know I had. Intellectually I thought I was enough be emotionally I didn't.
I am happy now to just be. To be friends with my former self to look at what I want to keep and what doesn't fit anymore. I am not afraid anymore of the future and where I fit in and I am willing to go where ever God takes me even if I am blindfolded. I am letting go.