Step Four- Taking inventory

I have spent the last few days doing a personal inventory. It has been an inventory of my belongings but it is for me also a spiritual inventory. Looking through all my stuff takes energy and helps me evaluate where I am in my life and where I have been. When I moved almost 2 ½ years ago I was in shock it took everything I had to pack and move. I don’t consider myself a materialistic person but I am attached to my stuff. It represents where I have been in my life and when I am ready to get rid of something I am spiritually ready to move past that place in my life. A periodic purge is healthy and it is funny how something that you thought was important at one point in your life has no real meaning later on.

Taking an inventory material or spiritual can take a lot out of you and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. Even if intellectually you think you’re over something you can’t escape the feelings that come up but it is worth the work and will leave you lighter than before. Facing the feelings associated with the past is the best way to live in the present.

Freedom and Butterflies

Over the past couple of years butterflies have been a sign of love for me. I have accepted that I will never be the same and maybe that is a good thing. When at my lowest I prayed for a sign that I would be alright. I started seeing butterflies and it gave me comfort. Even while I was telling my counselor about it one flew past the window. I am better now than when I started this journey and even though I still fight the fear change causes I am at peace. I am painting the bathroom of my house and a friend of mine helped me removed the over sized mirror and this was what was behind it. It is a sign to me that I am heading in the right direction and that I am loved.

Places that are hard

My spiritual journey has taken me to places I would have never gone willingly. I have always had the need to know why from a very early age and drove my parents crazy. I now just mostly drive my self crazy and some of my close friends. It seems I am never satisfied with what is I always want more even if it is just a little more insight. Even when my mind is not focused on any thought in particular the emptiness is incapacitating. I mean that in a literal way.

This week I decided I would take the week off and ended working more than usual. I am not complaining because I am self-employed so I will try again in the near future. I did have to opportunity to see where I use to live and the renovation that I inspired. It was where I thought I would live the rest of my life. It didn't really move me the way I thought it would. I have been working on my own spiritual renovation and I have learned that what you think you can't live without you really can and freedom even when forced on you can bring you peace.

I keep thinking that I will feel like my old self again when I had a clear picture of my future and a sense of belonging. I am coming to realize that as a spiritual being I will never feel like I truly belong here so I can relax and know that I am loved and provided for in ways I cannot imagine.

Spring has Sprung

Recently during a day trip to a little town north of here my friend and I came across a woman working in her yard. The yard was full of daffodils in full bloom. It isn't often that we see them this far south. She was kind and full of life and told us that she had planted close to 100 bulbs and only half came up.

Thinking about this today I realized this is what we are doing when we share our experience strength and hope in the program. Some people come into the program and find just what they need. They are transformed and utilize all that the program has to offer and others come and when they start to feel better or start facing the some of the more painful issues they run. It is hard to let them go but they have their own path just as I have mine.

So even when only half the bulbs come up it is still a beautiful explosion of life.

Here Comes The Bride-4th Step

It seems once a year I have the opportunity to review what I own and look at why I am still holding on to things. In my grief I have not really done that since I moved so this weekend I was going through boxes and saw my wedding dress. It has been 20 years since the divorce and I wondered why I am keeping it. So I pulled it out and took some pictures and I will donate it with the rest of the items. The time has come and I have realized that I don’t have to let my past define me anymore.

I think for me this is part of 4th step work. I loved my husband the best way that I could at the time. I was controlling and critical because I was trying to fight the disease of alcoholism. I managed his life down to the minute and he rebelled and left. I my mind he left because his pain was too great and I couldn’t make him happy. At the time I thought it was my responsibility to make him happy and I had the illusion that I had done that and some how I lost my ability to do that. When it was over I felt like a victim until I realized we all are looking for love and comfort. Mostly outside ourselves, the alcoholic uses the drink and we use the alcoholic. Running the lives of others keeps us from looking at ourselves.

I only know my side of any situation and looking at my part honestly I can only hope to do better the next time. Having compassion for the person I was at that time in my life is part of my own recovery. I was in the dark about what I was facing and today I can see that I was doing my best.

Waiting Pool

The picture is a peaceful reminder of what calmness looks like. The stillness shown here is something I am experiencing right now. Aptly called a waiting pool ok I know it is wading pool but not for me. I have been in a place of waiting for a long time and I am just now getting comfortable with this place in my life. It is a part of my fourth step. I have always been an impatient person. On the outside it isn’t always obvious but on the inside I am always scanning every situation for efficiency. How can I make this better, what’s the next right step? What should I be doing right now? So this is my character defect. On the positive side of this defect is that I have made a living at making things work. But personally I am experiencing what it is like to have real peace. No where to run to nothing that is life or death. My pool is calm and I am ok with that today. So my character defect is that I am never satisfied it is the human condition.

A Fresh Look

I haven’t written in a while because I have been taking a break from the routine which is my life. I always thought that the objective of life was to find security for oneself a stable relationship a steady job all the creature comforts but it has recently come to my attention that those things are nice but ultimately are fleeting. We work hard to keep things the same and then if we are successful we become bored and unsettled. So I must become comfortable with change and even try to embrace it. I read today that life is like a wheel sometimes we are on top and sometimes on the bottom only the hub has the least amount of change. This to me is my spiritual core the place that I go back to when comes and my anxiety is high.

In nature everything is always changing. The photo today is from yesterday’s trip to a museum garden. A flower only peaks for a few days and then its moment of glory is over and it is time for something else to take its place. If we could realize that we are part of this cycle we could relax and accept where we are today.