Productivity - Out the window

I have given up. What ever I hopes I had of accomplishing anything today has flown out the window. So I heaping unproductively upon unproductively and writing some general nonsense.

I did have some good news. I have a birthday coming up and my tag and drivers license needed to be renewed and I found out I can do it on-line. When I went to driving school (distant past post) I got the impression that you had to go in person for drivers license renewal. Because of Homeland Security you have to show two serious forms of id. A original birth certificate or passport and an original ss card. If your name has changed perhaps you got married and divorced then you need you divorce decree to prove you are who you say you are.

After I thought about it maybe she said it was if you were even one day past your birthday. She made us all pull out our licenses and look at the expiration. It is a good thing because I had know idea it was going to expire this year. She did say most people think you have until the end of the month of your birthday, but that is not true.

So maybe the reason I had to go to driving school was to find out my license was going to expire. This would prevent me getting pulled over (not that would ever get pulled over) and getting a ticket for an expired licence. I guess that is round about gratitude. Maybe someone out there needs to look at their own license.

Just a regular day, what a relief.

Life is a Jungle - Lets go on a Safari

I worked in my house the past couple of days. I was here in the office Saturday until 8PM getting my ducks in a row and enjoying being so busy. I decided that I would balance things out this week by taking two days off.

This new emotional freedom is hard to describe but it is really awesome just letting things flow on their own and not focusing on the outcome. I've always done my best but now I just let the rest go. This has given me so much energy instead of spinning my wheels and thinking about what more I should have done. I am on to the next thing. I can accept my best as being good enough.

I met one of my former sponsees this weekend to help her pick out an outrageous red for her dining room. After seeing all those colors I felt inspired to make some of my own changes. I picked out a Safari Green for my living and dining area.

It is color my niece picked for my sister's kitchen. I left the store at 5:00 and by 8:30 I had a new look. At first I thought it was too light. I have a lighter green in my kitchen that I despise. But as it dried it became richer and more developed.

I was just thinking how I always jump to conclusions and if take a step back and just observe I might be surprised how things turn out. Being still is what I have been forced to learn these past few years. I had to accept that there wasn't anything I could do to speed up my healing process.

Now I appreciate the clear mind God gave me. Only after losing it for a long time.

The definition of Safari is a journey or expedition to watch animals in their natural habitat. So I consider myself on a little Safari watching any drama I come upon from a distance I like it that way for now. If I feel the need to jump in I can do that too but it is my choice.

Telling Stories

I have been reading about the idea of each of us having our own story. A story that we have created by own perception of the circumstances of our lives. The ideas that we came up with on our own and some that were handed to us.

The book was written by the author of The Four Agreements. A very life changing book for me. I will have to leave that for another time.

This idea that it is our own minds that hurt us. That it is the reliving of the past in our own minds that keeps the pain alive. I think I finally understand this for myself. Could it really be that simple?

It made me think how in the morning we wake up and are free to begin again or we go over to the closet and put our old labels on. Our heavy coats covered with the labels we have given ourselves. The labels related to not being enough for ourselves or others. Everybody living within their own story.

Can I give up the novel that I have written about my life good and bad? Is it possible to live without the constant dialogue. The commentary or is it too scary to see how the words in my head are just that words in my head.

Can I go back to childhood before I knew too much to be happy.

Foot-work or control?

I use to get caught up or I should say my mind would get caught up in deciding how much footwork God expects me to do to solve my own problems. It was always a trap a fine line between control and foot-work.

I decided that God really doesn't need my help. I can keep my eyes and ears open for direction but that is all that is required. I can't even start down the road of imagining how something will work because that is taking the control back. It is setting myself up for fear if I see the situation heading off in a different direction.

I recently decided to get out of the drivers seat and let God take over. I have let it all go and decided to just let things happen naturally. I let drumming up business go and I am so busy I can't keep up. I had a huge problem with a not so reasonable customer that accused me of lying and she called and apologized this morning. I had a builder who refused to send us a check and I got an email this week saying we could pick it up.

The foot work I am doing has to do with what is on my plate today. Not focusing on potential problems or the 99 ways something could go wrong or in some cases even right. It is a distraction I can't be peaceful while meddling in things that are not my business.

Just for today I can let go and let God.

Putting it all out there

The past couple of years I have bared my soul to any and all that would listen. I felt like a open wound walking around wait for the next painful strike. I didn't have a choice to show all my cards all the time. No restraint. Grief is like that.

But now I am past that on move on the facing the real world. How do I maneuver through each day without going back to the way I use to do things. How I would leave just enough space between me and you to keep you from knowing too much about my weak spots. What happens to that space is that something grow there a barrier sometimes it is just glass sometimes a thick hedge and sometimes a thick concrete wall.

I want to feel all the emotions and feel safe at the same time. It doesn't work that way. I can't enjoyed the depth of ocean if I am only willing to put my toe in the water. What if I drown? What if I swim with the dolphins? What if I swim with the dolphins and then I drown.

Is a life worth living if we stay away to stay safe. If we stay in the shallow waters without taking the chance. If we drown will we drown with a smile on our face. If we stay safe will we die with regret on our face.

I am sharing this link on vulnerability that provoked these thoughts.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Acceptance - My time is valuable

I am tired today. I was going to take off since I worked Monday but that didn't work out. It has been busy here and I am grateful for that.

I got a call this morning from a referral. The guy wanted a bid on a kitchen and his house is about an hour from here. I said that I had to charge him to come out and it would be applied towards the purchase. He said he called five other people and no one else charged to come out. He said that my time must be more valuable than theirs.

I agreed that my time was valuable and that given the distance I would have to charge him. It is the nature of the business and with the economy people are getting more bids. I have done my share of free estimates and actually I never got a job from someone not willing to pay for an estimate. I am on commission and if I am going to work for free then what is the point.

You could say that I might charm someone into using me but that isn't how it works. When someone is shopping solely on price then I will lose and if you have five bids that is what is important to you. I am service first and foremost and my prices are competitive but I am not the cheapest.

I provide my customers with more than most. It has been hard for me to get to the point of valuing my own time and worth. I have reached a point that I know what I offer will be valuable to some, but not to everyone. God sends me the people that are suppose to cross my path and I learn from each encounter.

Aunt Millie - A movie star

I was making a macaroni salad yesterday with some tuna that my friend brought back from Spain. The recipe was one that my Aunt Mildred taught me it was the second recipe that I learned to make from a written recipe.

Aunt Millie as everyone else calls her is a character. When we were kids she was bigger than life to us. She was like a movie star. She dressed like one and spent hours putting on make up. All us kids would sit like groupies around her dressing table while she applied layers upon layers of make up and tell us the most outrageous stories.

She is my Dad's brothers wife. Her character was a sharp contrast to my Dad's whole family who grew up on the farm. They were gentle quiet people and Aunt Millie was a city slicker from Chicago.

I think now she was one of the first crush on someone with that charismatic personality that I associate with alcoholism and addiction.

Over the years we have lost Aunt Millie to prescription pills. All my Dads siblings live within walking distance of each other on my grandfathers land. My uncle keeps Aunt Millie under wraps and makes all the familiar excuses for her absences at the family events.

When I visited a few years ago I didn't know all the unspoken rules about arriving unannounced. They told my Aunt Millie was not available to see me. I called and she answered and was so happy. She invited me right over. It was the middle of the day and she was in her pj's. She gave me a tour of the house and she said she was sorry about how I had been treated and wished I hadn't stayed away so long.

She gave me some things that belonged to my grandmother. My uncle was embarrassed by her and cut the visit short. He doesn't know just how much I know about loving someone with an addiction.

Yesterday when I thought of her I felt the pain and sadness the family is suffering. My cousin's lives have been forever changed by addiction and probably think there is nothing that will change the effects addiction has had on them. A lot of the pain caused by hiding and denying what is going on. Everybody knows we only think it is a secret.

Living with active addiction touches so many lives. I hope to visit more often and maybe share some of my own story when the timing is right.