I had an early appointment this morning with a client and had to get up at 6 am this morning. I have been a night owl since birth and have never been able to go to sleep early or get up early. My parents added to this by keeping us out late for church revivals. In the day they called us holy rollers and the quality of the service was gauged by the hours at the alter.
So getting me up in the morning as a child was a quite a task. I was what you would call strong willed, but my mother was also strong willed and had a particularly annoying routine to get me up. First it started with a loving kiss and a gentle shake and then she would starting singing. You gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up in the morning. This would have been accompanied by a bugle but luckily we only had a piano in the house. Then things got ugly the covers would be pulled off the bed and the final straw a cold wet wash clothe on the face.
I remember always being tired as a kid and for most of my adult life going against the tide. Some of first jobs I had to be at work by 6 am. The career I have now is the first that actually coincides with my natural sleep patterns and I am never tired.
I don't know why thoughts of my mom came up this morning. I guess I was thinking some things never change. Some things do they don't call us holy rollers any more we have been elevated to charismatics. I use to feel guilty about being so head strong and giving my mother such a hard time but, the truth is, I would have never survived her death and the things that happened after that without that particular character defect.
I need a nap now.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Men on the Roof - Pay now or pay later
It is noisy today I am getting a new chimney because I have a leak. I hate spending money, I don't have, on something I will never see. I could ignore the a problem but it will catch up with me in the end.
I have done a lot of that in the past and this very thing came up in my writing yesterday. I was home doing chores and decided to do a little writing while having lunch on the porch. I am analytical to the bone and my writing strayed to why my relationships ended after so many years together, more 4th step work.
I was thinking that when a relationship last long enough that eventually something significant will happen that shakes the foundation of the relationship. The assigned roles change and it is whether both partners are committed enough and can adapt to the change that the relationship can survive.
In the case the first relationship it did not survive me losing my job. It was before the program and my identity was tied up in my job first and then my relationship. I went in to deep depression and ended up losing both. We were young and my husband couldn't cope without me not controlling every part of our lives. He retreated to alcohol and ultimately to another woman. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see what was happening.
By the time I got into the next relationship I had 3 years of Al-Anon under my belt and felt more balanced and then I lost my job (I now work for myself). I decided to change careers and went back to school. We had worked together and this was a big part of our relationship with my career change I was no longer a part of the corporate world. We drifted and when my in-laws moved to town we spent less and less time alone together. In the end we were strangers on my worse days I blame myself sometimes for not seeing this until it was too late.
I say all this because it helped me to see what was missing in those relationships and why not facing a situation head on is a pattern for me. I realize first that you can't be both sides of a relationship and you can't know what will happen to change the course of a relationship. So I am looking for a communicator that is committed to at least talking about problems. It is easier to just pretend it is not happening but in the end it is no less painful.
So just like the leaky chimney I could have waited and had it patched, but sooner or later I would have to address the problem and it would only get worse. So I opted to take care of it now so I can stay dry.
I have done a lot of that in the past and this very thing came up in my writing yesterday. I was home doing chores and decided to do a little writing while having lunch on the porch. I am analytical to the bone and my writing strayed to why my relationships ended after so many years together, more 4th step work.
I was thinking that when a relationship last long enough that eventually something significant will happen that shakes the foundation of the relationship. The assigned roles change and it is whether both partners are committed enough and can adapt to the change that the relationship can survive.
In the case the first relationship it did not survive me losing my job. It was before the program and my identity was tied up in my job first and then my relationship. I went in to deep depression and ended up losing both. We were young and my husband couldn't cope without me not controlling every part of our lives. He retreated to alcohol and ultimately to another woman. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see what was happening.
By the time I got into the next relationship I had 3 years of Al-Anon under my belt and felt more balanced and then I lost my job (I now work for myself). I decided to change careers and went back to school. We had worked together and this was a big part of our relationship with my career change I was no longer a part of the corporate world. We drifted and when my in-laws moved to town we spent less and less time alone together. In the end we were strangers on my worse days I blame myself sometimes for not seeing this until it was too late.
I say all this because it helped me to see what was missing in those relationships and why not facing a situation head on is a pattern for me. I realize first that you can't be both sides of a relationship and you can't know what will happen to change the course of a relationship. So I am looking for a communicator that is committed to at least talking about problems. It is easier to just pretend it is not happening but in the end it is no less painful.
So just like the leaky chimney I could have waited and had it patched, but sooner or later I would have to address the problem and it would only get worse. So I opted to take care of it now so I can stay dry.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Moon Shot - Finding Peace
I was sitting in my car last night at the beach eating a hot fudge sundae. It was windy but peaceful. I always feel compelled to take a picture of the full moon and it always looks like a black piece of paper with a hole in it.
I spent the evening expanding my spiritual horizons and it seemed appropriate to go down to the water and commune with nature. I was not alone in that thought a lot and it was pretty busy for a late night at the beach.
After the sundae I got out of my car and stood in the wind. Something significant has changed inside of me and I feel a new kind of peace. The struggle to understand the journey I am on and to what I should do next has been replaced by acceptance. I have done everything in my power to get here quicker but nothing worked, so giving up and letting go was all I had left. Suddenly it has all come together and I found exactly what I have been longing for, peace.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Unfinished Business
Yesterday a group of friends from the program gathered at a nursery that is closing to clear out the remaining plants. The daughter of someone in the program started the nursery 6 months ago and basically her and her boyfriend spent weekends partying instead of tending to the business.
Most of us that have been in the program have experienced a similar situation at one time or another. I can remember the grandiose ideas my husband had when we were first married it would always involve money we didn't have and hard work. I couldn't resist his enthusiasm and I wanted him to be happy and successful, so I went along. This happened over and over again and eventually the resentment, among other things, destroyed us. I used shame and guilt and anything I could to force him to be a good husband because this would prove he loved me.
When he left the house was full of unfinished projects. I know now this is part of the disease of alcoholism and the lure of the drink is too great. When things got boring or too hard the drinking would take priority and I think a way to drown out the guilt.
He was not alone in this disease, I also had unfinished business I felt like I was not enough and if I was a better wife I could make this marriage work. I spent my time finishing his projects and not taking care of my own. I was so focused on him that I was no longer me and ultimately became the walking dead. I was depressed and catatonic and a joy to live with. After he left I spent a year just working and sleeping.
Luckily he encouraged me to get counseling, he said I had a real problem and he was right. The counselor sent me to Al-Anon for support between visits. I just showed up that was all I could do in the beginning. I followed the rules and got myself a sponsor who saved my life, quite literally. I didn't want to be alive with the kind of pain and loss I was feeling. She was patient with me and my never ending sadness and would tell me I was enough and that no one worked harder than I did to get better.
I am grateful today for the pain back then and even now (now that it is over). Pain is a great motivator and helps to keep growing and learning about myself. I am a long ways from being perfect but I am enough for me now and I never thought I could feel that way. The journey continues.
Most of us that have been in the program have experienced a similar situation at one time or another. I can remember the grandiose ideas my husband had when we were first married it would always involve money we didn't have and hard work. I couldn't resist his enthusiasm and I wanted him to be happy and successful, so I went along. This happened over and over again and eventually the resentment, among other things, destroyed us. I used shame and guilt and anything I could to force him to be a good husband because this would prove he loved me.
When he left the house was full of unfinished projects. I know now this is part of the disease of alcoholism and the lure of the drink is too great. When things got boring or too hard the drinking would take priority and I think a way to drown out the guilt.
He was not alone in this disease, I also had unfinished business I felt like I was not enough and if I was a better wife I could make this marriage work. I spent my time finishing his projects and not taking care of my own. I was so focused on him that I was no longer me and ultimately became the walking dead. I was depressed and catatonic and a joy to live with. After he left I spent a year just working and sleeping.
Luckily he encouraged me to get counseling, he said I had a real problem and he was right. The counselor sent me to Al-Anon for support between visits. I just showed up that was all I could do in the beginning. I followed the rules and got myself a sponsor who saved my life, quite literally. I didn't want to be alive with the kind of pain and loss I was feeling. She was patient with me and my never ending sadness and would tell me I was enough and that no one worked harder than I did to get better.
I am grateful today for the pain back then and even now (now that it is over). Pain is a great motivator and helps to keep growing and learning about myself. I am a long ways from being perfect but I am enough for me now and I never thought I could feel that way. The journey continues.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Seeing the past without emotion
So I went to dinner with my former boss and her husband and it was really was really good to see her. She admitted that she had been hurt when our friendship didn't continue after she was forced to change jobs. I made the choice to explain what was happening from my point of view but with no excuses and no apologies.
It was a time in my life that I was coming into my own and really discovering who I was personally and professionally and I didn't think she was in a place to accept that. She had been my mentor and I her subordinate. I made that judgement and truthfully it was easier on me to avoid dealing with her. In the program I learned JADE I don't have to justify, argue, defend or explain if I don't want to, so I didn't back then.
I did say that it wasn't about her at the time and I said I didn't mean to hurt her. I was wrapped up in my own life and did what I had to do. It goes back to it is not personal just like when she was constantly angry with me at work I learned that it wasn't really about me.
When I got home the reviewing of my life and everything that has taken place since then did actually bring up some tears. Everything that I thought I would last at that time has ended. The career, the relationship even where I live. It is hard accepting that nothing stays the same. It all turns out for the best in the end and I am starting to feel that again in my life. The past three years has kicked my butt and left me with nothing but faith that the future will be brighter.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Forest For The Trees
I a taking a break from my day here at work to do a little writing. Writing calms my nerves and I have felt really scattered today with everyone in the office. We work independently but when we are all here somehow decisions we would make on our own are brought up for discussion.
It is good to get feed back but it is a real time sucker and it breaks my concentration. My job requires a lot of focus in the beginning and if I make a mistake I won't know until the project starts months from now. So I usually wait until I am focused to tackle the big stuff but lately it seem that that time never comes and the days are slipping by and this makes me anxious.
What I have learned over the years is to is to trust myself I wouldn't put something off if somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I could. Even when I was at my lowest the customer never suffered and I never missed a deadline. So I have to trust the process and my higher power that the pieces will fall together and even if they don't it will be OK.
Tonight is the dinner with my ex-boss, I am feeling calm and I am looking forward to seeing her an her husband. So even if my day is full of trees I can sit back and imagine the forest and start again tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Flash From The Past
I have recently re-connected with my first boss. I found her husbands email address while looking looking at our cities website. We have set up lunch twice and we both had to reschedule. When she canceled the first time she sent me an email and I didn't respond quickly enough and she called my cell and said "you did not answer my email". The tone really sent me back and I felt like I still worked for her.
She was not easy to work for, she is one of us, and grew up in an environment that made her have serious trust issues and she was possibly the most controlling person I ever met. When I first got in the program, I used what I learned, to face her every day. I learned that her anger and mistrust had nothing to do with me and that I should not take it personally. Sometimes that was very difficult. Working for her also taught me that you can easily lose sight of how others perceive you and when your caught up in your own sickness to use caution when dealing with others.
My first year on the job, she picked me out of a department of 30 to start and new department. I was promoted by her twice that same year and later when she left I became the manager over that same department. It had grown to 70 employees over a ten year period. So she was pivotal to my career and I give her credit for seeing the possibilities in me.
I also give myself credit for the hard work and long hours I put in to become a good manager. It was really Al-Anon that gave me the tools to work with her and to also be a firm but compassionate manager. Before the program I managed more with an iron fist than with understanding.
I left the industry and I am doing what I love. I still manage, but now it is projects and customers. She has retired and we are scheduled for dinner tomorrow night. I will keep you posted.
She was not easy to work for, she is one of us, and grew up in an environment that made her have serious trust issues and she was possibly the most controlling person I ever met. When I first got in the program, I used what I learned, to face her every day. I learned that her anger and mistrust had nothing to do with me and that I should not take it personally. Sometimes that was very difficult. Working for her also taught me that you can easily lose sight of how others perceive you and when your caught up in your own sickness to use caution when dealing with others.
My first year on the job, she picked me out of a department of 30 to start and new department. I was promoted by her twice that same year and later when she left I became the manager over that same department. It had grown to 70 employees over a ten year period. So she was pivotal to my career and I give her credit for seeing the possibilities in me.
I also give myself credit for the hard work and long hours I put in to become a good manager. It was really Al-Anon that gave me the tools to work with her and to also be a firm but compassionate manager. Before the program I managed more with an iron fist than with understanding.
I left the industry and I am doing what I love. I still manage, but now it is projects and customers. She has retired and we are scheduled for dinner tomorrow night. I will keep you posted.
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