Monday, September 27, 2010

Men on the Roof - Pay now or pay later

It is noisy today I am getting a new chimney because I have a leak. I hate spending money, I don't have, on something I will never see. I could ignore the a problem but it will catch up with me in the end.

I have done a lot of that in the past and this very thing came up in my writing yesterday. I was home doing chores and decided to do a little writing while having lunch on the porch. I am analytical to the bone and my writing strayed to why my relationships ended after so many years together, more 4th step work.

I was thinking that when a relationship last long enough that eventually something significant will happen that shakes the foundation of the relationship. The assigned roles change and it is whether both partners are committed enough and can adapt to the change that the relationship can survive.

In the case the first relationship it did not survive me losing my job. It was before the program and my identity was tied up in my job first and then my relationship. I went in to deep depression and ended up losing both. We were young and my husband couldn't cope without me not controlling every part of our lives. He retreated to alcohol and ultimately to another woman. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see what was happening.

By the time I got into the next relationship I had 3 years of Al-Anon under my belt and felt more balanced and then I lost my job (I now work for myself). I decided to change careers and went back to school. We had worked together and this was a big part of our relationship with my career change I was no longer a part of the corporate world. We drifted and when my in-laws moved to town we spent less and less time alone together. In the end we were strangers on my worse days I blame myself sometimes for not seeing this until it was too late.

I say all this because it helped me to see what was missing in those relationships and why not facing a situation head on is a pattern for me. I realize first that you can't be both sides of a relationship and you can't know what will happen to change the course of a relationship. So I am looking for a communicator that is committed to at least talking about problems. It is easier to just pretend it is not happening but in the end it is no less painful.

So just like the leaky chimney I could have waited and had it patched, but sooner or later I would have to address the problem and it would only get worse. So I opted to take care of it now so I can stay dry.

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