Friday, January 21, 2011

Not just Santa has a twinkle

I am here at the office today just me and the owner. He is so happy to be rid of his usual responsibilities. It is just the two of us today kindred spirits and he just went and got us some lunch. I had a little emotional moment while he was gone. I was on the phone with my friend and just became overwhelmed.

He has such a great spirit and his zest for life is unmatched. I know in a few weeks I will be the one to explain the reality of what going on and he will be unhappy. This reminds me of the alcoholics that have graced my life especially the one I married. He would always say I was such a downer when I would tell him we didn't have the money to do or carry out his big ideas. I hated the disappointment on his face I was just a kill joy.

I have always been attracted to that kind of personality unstoppable. With a twinkle in their eye and pep in their step. I always wanted to be like that but I am a realist and I know the work it takes to bring a dream to life. My experience is that their follow through usually involves me. In the case of my husband the enthusiasm didn't last once we got to the details. I would be left holding the bag and feeling resentful. I might be feeling a little bit like that now until something is in writing.

I have realized I show my enthusiasm in a different way and I can expend my energy on my own ideas and not just be someones support staff. What is going on now is not about the past but the emotions are tied to it especially being the one to deliver the facts. I will not try to sell it just put it out there and see how it goes.

I think the tears were about me knowing he isn't going to take it well. The business will survive but it isn't worth what he needs to take care of his debts. With the help of my sister I am working on something that maybe we all can agree on.

I don't like the position I am in and don't look forward to being the bad guy. I will be fair and truthful and God will take care of the rest, I am sure. I am not responsible for anyone but myself and I have to believe it is part of a greater plan.


  1. I know that when I am reluctant to speak my truth, it is because I want to control the reactions that others have to it. But I am learning that my truth is what it is, and if I waver from it, I waver from myself. When I hold back, I am reacting for the other person, instead of giving them respect and responsibility for their own feelings. And sometimes, they truly amaze me and react in a way I never would have imagined. Thank you for your honest share.

  2. This post speaks to me in all the experiences I am having at the moment. I know this is my opportunity to learn exactly what you wrote in your last paragraph. It's scary for me to yet something I know I need to walk through, again, and again, perhaps, until I learn it. Thanks for sharing.

  3. well-meant advice can be the biggest gifts we ever get. if we recognize it for what it is. and the spirit in which it is given. i now tend to appreciate it a helluva lot more than i used to.