Monday, January 10, 2011

Singing Meditation

I have had a high anxiety kind of day today. I was off and had nightmares last night I think caused by the uncertainty of work. I also had an installer going to a clients house this morning and he needed one more item to complete the job. I forgot to pick it up on Friday and knew he would be calling me this morning. I think the anticipation of this caused me to place the anxiety somewhere in my dreamscape world.

I have been very stressed and this usually happens when I have been on my own for a couple days and since we are figuring out the work thing I feel like I am pacing back and forth in my head. In my head because physically I am worn out.

I spent yesterday breaking down the old water bed painting the floor beneath it and setting up the new one. This is a big job because there is a giant sponge in the bed. I bought a pump that attaches to a drill to expedite the process but it didn't really work. I didn't realize I would have to stand there the whole time. It also was really loud and I since I have dolphin hearing the drill idea had to be abandoned.

I opted for the old fashion syphon process where you hook up the hose to the spigot and back wash it and then unhook the hose and let it drain. It helps if you have a down hill scenario, which I did. This process take hours but is very quite. At the end you have to lay on the bed and squish the water out. It wasn't too bad but it was rainy and cold. I had to leave door propped open.

It is complete and everything is back together. I am sore today from all the weird muscles you use with moving furniture and dragging big wet sponges to the street. I was exhausted the morning but my anxiety was too high to relax.

I read today's page in Courage to Change and it was about the hours we spend in fear worrying about things that might or might not happen. Sometimes I just can't help myself I just want to know how it will turn out. I did think about the people in the Arizona shootings and thought what if you spent the last few days of your life distracted with worry. Not knowing that none of it really would be important tomorrow.

That moment of clarity passed when I went to the mailbox to find a certified slip from the IRS. I sprung into action and got dressed and drove frantically to the post office only to have them tell me I would have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up.

I sat in the parking lot and called my sponsor. We talked for a few minutes and she suggested I try my own version of the meditation I participated in on New Years Eve. I agreed to try even though I wasn't sure if I could get the same feeling by myself as I did with the group.

I left the parking lot and stopped by the grocery store. This is part of taking care of myself since I didn't have any people food in the house. I came home and made myself a pork chop and some cauliflower. It felt good to have a hot meal. I decided to try singing while I was cleaning a putting stuff away.

I picked a song from my childhood that had a verse that I could repeat over and over. It felt strange at first but then my mind stopped resisting. It reminds me of praise services we had when I was a child. It gave me something to focus on and took me out of my head.

I feel at peace now for the first time today. I wasn't sure if writing would charge me or drain me tonight, but it feels right. I know that my problems are small compared to others and I am grateful for the life I have but sometimes I can't shake the fear of the unknown. I am glad that I recognize my own crazy thinking and I am happy that I have a warm leak free bed to sleep in tonight.

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