I had big aspirations for yesterday. Getting caught up with work and some household chores, but that didn't happen. I basically shutdown and was paralyzed by all that lay before me, on top of that, I beat myself up for not working on the matter at hand.
This happens to me from time to time the adult in me has specific things that must be accomplished and the child in me says no way it is my day off. This creates and impasse and basically there is no work and there is no fun. Just guilt and frustration. I have looked at this many times and haven't really found a solution for it. I did call my sponsor and she said take the day off.
We talked about the issues with work the denial and my feeling that it is going to be OK even though I don't really know how it is going to work out. We have known each other 20 years and she pointed out the many miracles I have experienced since she has know me. This is true and my fear is caused by me not fully turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. It is not like I have the power to change my circumstances just my attitude.
I decided to watch Oprah and she had evidence of a true miracle. She found out she had a sister that her mother never told her about. The sister had been given up and had lived in foster homes most of her life. She had spent her adult life trying to connect with her birth family, but her birth mother didn't want to meet her. The agency only gave her the information about her siblings birth dates and two of her three siblings were deceased.
One day she saw an interview with Oprah's mom and she talked about her three children two that were deceased and Oprah. They stated the birth dates of all three. Same dates the woman had given her from the agency. She thought that it was crazy to think she could be related to Oprah. She was and because she didn't want Oprah to be hurt by this she went the back channels and it took Oprah two years to here the news. What if she hadn't be watching the interview that day. Divine intervention I think.
Wow, just when you think God forgot about your dream to find your family. You find out your Oprah's sister. They said she looks exactly like the deceased sister who died after a long addiction problem. They even have the same name. Maybe she was spared a life that could have been worse. The family said she was just like the other sister on her best days clean and sober. A miracle really.
So I am having problems trusting God to take care of me. Has he ever let me down before? The answer is no and on my best days I can cruise along unscathed by reality and know that I am not in charge. Other days, my days off it seems, I feel overwhelmed and fearful, paralyzed by the unknown.
I don't feel like that all the time and it didn't help that yesterday my partner called me from work and shared her fears. This is where I start thinking I need to do something to change this. We really need time to work through this and freaking out doesn't add value.
I am at work today and have decided to not take Monday off anymore if only to be here for damage control. I am an expert at damage control but luckily with the program I don't need it for my personal life anymore. It is still an asset in the business world.