Friday, February 4, 2011

Dream Dream Dream

The song goes whenever I want you all I have to do is dream, dream, dream dream. Today would have been my 27th anniversary if my husband and we had stayed married. We made it 9 years but the effects of alcoholism in his childhood an ultimately in our marriage could not be overcome.

We didn't have any tools to work with back then. He is married and has a couple of kids now. I don't know if he is happy in his marriage but I do know he is happy being a father. We didn't have children because his childhood was volatile and he thought that bringing children into this world would be a mistake. By the time he changed his mind the drinking had escalated and I knew I would be on my own with taking care of kids. I wasn't willing to take on that responsibility.

I loved him in a way that doesn't come often. Our childhood was similar in that we both lost our mothers at the same age. The difference was that his father went on a three year drinking binge and four out of six kids were farmed out to relatives. He and his younger brother, the middle kids, were left with dad. It wasn't pretty and a lot of things happened that made them adults too quickly.

Our bond wasn't healthy basically two halves don't make a whole. We were inseparable and never spent a night apart until the last year of our marriage. He was my best friend and I thought it was going to kill me when he left. The drinking took him from me little by little and ultimately he was a stranger to me in the end. When we met at the courthouse he was at a drinking peak, a case a day was the information he offered. He had grown a beard and was wearing sunglasses indoors. He put the wrong wedding date on the papers he prepared, another blow to me.

I am sure he isn't thinking of me today and that is ok. I believe dates come up subconsciously so you are better off to acknowledge them for what they are. They are a part of your history and for me I have made peace with this relationship. I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I know now about the effects of alcoholism on relationships. He did write me a letter of amends that went along way towards me forgiving him for finding someone else during our marriage.

It is hard to get over those extreme co-dependant relationships where one breaths out and the other breaths in and I think that is why I still miss him. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and the reality of the situation fades in your mind.

I can wish him well today and I think that he has worked through his issues with his dad. We emailed a few years ago and he seems pretty happy being a father and he said that he hoped I had found the happiness I deserved.

I do deserve happiness and I am starting to find it on my own now without someone to share my life with. I still want a relationship and I intend on finding one but for today I feel good just where I am, but I do still dream.

footnote: My husbands father did get sober right after the three years. He met someone and did it without a program and without amends. My husband was angry at a man that everyone thought was terrific. He felt guilty for the way he felt. The program works and helps families deal with the resentment even after sobriety.


  1. Recently I had a boyfriend from the past contact me. We had a relationship in the rooms of recovery but there were some character defects I found hard to deal with. I had to let the relationship go even though I cared for him. When he contacted me again I was hesitant but in the end I decided to email him regarding my program matters. I am glad in the end we are not a couple. I have to trust HP has a plan for me.

  2. I hope today is a good day for you. Wishing you strength and peace.

  3. I hope that you will find a healthy relationship. Living with active alcoholism takes too much from each of us.

  4. Anniversaries with the ghosts of the past are hard. I have several that trigger feelings of regret in me - not with my husband, because we are still married, but in other aspects of my life. I think you're right - they serve a purpose. If you remember with emotion, there's some unfinished business there that still needs to be worked through. It comes in layers... not all at once.

    I recently was talking to a man in a CoDA meeting who was saying he wanted to try to be friends with his ex wife. They have a nine year old daughter together and he misses the times the three of them shared before the divorce. He said, there's a bond there that is still so strong.

    I commented that those bonds are always there. Whether you stay married or not, committing to someone on that level is something that happens inside and not just on a piece of paper. It's okay to have feelings about the marriage and the ex... and it's good that he is trying to work things out for his daughter's sake even though he knows they can't ever be as they once were.

    And I believe you are SO right when you talk about how program can heal beyond the effects of just drinking or giving up an addiction. I haven't yet organized the articles for the Steppers' Wisdom blog carnival, which is coming up soon, but I do hope to find some of yours in the mix when I go through them this week. If you haven't submitted anything yet, please consider it.

  5. May God's encouragement and love surround you.