I went to another gathering for Dances of Universal Peace last night. It was about an hour away and it had been a long day and I almost decided against going. I am glad I did because being with people that are looking for peace is really nice. It is very uplifting and the energy shared is really good.
Yesterday the day was long and I was feeling resentful in my self appointed position of problem solver. Just for the day I really felt dumped on and trapped in the situation at work. Like I have felt so many times in my life. Old feelings of being stuck where I didn't want to be, doing stuff I didn't want to do.
While I was in the middle of fixing a problem created by the owner he ask me to order his pills on line. I stopped what I was doing went to the website created an account...and then he comes back and says he has an account and wants to use the discount code etc. He doesn't know who did this for him or the account number.
Herein lies the problem or the trap for me. On my best days I can suck it up and do this without resentment but on my not so great days it feels like being stuck. My mood becomes dark and I start to attract more of the same. I believe this you know when you start to have a bad day and you don't correct your attitude right away everything starts to unravel.
I did that for a few hours yesterday. I started thinking this sucks I am stuck we will never get through this transition. When this happens I have to consciously see it and stop the negative bs in my head. Sometimes I have to leave or write just change my head space. Fake it until you make it doesn't work for me. Putting on a happy face just makes me feel worst I need a distraction even if only for a few minutes.
I have choices is what I have learned in recovery. Even if I think I don't. I could make a drastic choice and get in my car and drive away and never come back or just go next door and get a candy bar or something healthy. Naw something healthy wouldn't work it has to be something fun.
I told a friend once after listening to her complaining about her home life and how terrible her husband was. You could get in your car and drive away and never come back. Of course she said I have a responsibility to be there for my child. So you are choosing to be a good mother. It is easy to feel powerless but really we never are totally. We have chosen to conform for reasons that benefit us to be liked to be seen as the saviour or simply because it is the right thing to do.
I thought I was going write about peace but I guess not. Choices is the name of the game and we make them every day and every minute. I can choose to start my day over any minute and know that I can abandon my life any time I want and deal with the consequence of those choices, but that is a choice.
I made the decision to put off ordering the pills until today. I am in the showroom today about to order pills from the Internet with no resentment. I did something just for me last night. I communed with other people on a journey towards peace and today I can know that I have choices.