I had a lot on my mind last night after watching Catch and Release and older movie with Jennifer Garner. Her fiance dies before the wedding and she finds out how little she knew him. He had a child with someone he met during the relationship. I also watched Premonition. Sandra Bullock having visions of the death of her husband who she finds out is about to have an affair. She is deciding whether to try to stop his death or just let nature take it's course.
It made me think how you really don't know people. It could also be betrayal and loss. I was already feeling lonely last night with yet another February date from past coming up for me.
Yesterday was my ex-husbands birthday. I had forgotten until I was cleaning up my home office and found a bunch pictures. The pictures were mostly of me but he was included in a few. Then I realized it was his birthday. I wallowed in my sentiment and looked him up on facebook. He has almost 400 friends. I clearly was on a slippery slope with that move but I resisted the urge to send him a birthday message. I am over it today thank goodness.
This time of year tends to put my in a review of my life place. I am alone now and know that it is not a permanent state for me, but it feels like one. I have had two decade plus relationships which were mostly successful even if they ended. They taught me a lot about myself. What I want and what I don't want in a partner.
My choices brought me where I am today and when I am lonely I can't help but think what if we had had children? Would we have stayed together? Would my life at least feel fuller than it does now? But it wasn't meant to be and the kids could have ended up with drug and alcohol problems.
After watching the movies I thought about the title catch and release title. Isn't that what relationships tend to be. You meet spend time together and ultimately you have to let them go. That first phase isn't permanent and even if you stay together you can's sustain that level unless both people want it. It isn't enough to just exist in the same house at least that is my experience. Active participation from both parties can fill gaps where love isn't enough. At least this is what I hope.
I also know we are always changing and sometimes it isn't possible to stay together. I always believed my relationships were permenant. There in lies the problem my thinking anything is really permanent. I think about myself and how much I have changed this past year and even I can't keep up with myself so how could anyone else keep up with me.
I can't help but ask myself how did I end up here? My choices in mates my attraction to those that don't communicate, until it is too late. In the words of Byron Katey turn that around. Maybe I don't communicate. I don't always know my feelings, until it is too late. I can get lost in the busy part of life and miss things. Miss sign post clearly telling me to pay attention. I like being busy it keeps me from evaluating where I am emotionally and spiritually and when your in a relationship that isn't working that comes in handy.
It is a full time job to not fall back into my natural state of busy, busy, busy or run, run, run. When I meditate and pray it feels like the most un-natural state for me. Sitting still without thinking is next to impossible but I can manage it from time to time. Lately I can feel myself getting to a place of peace more quickly accepting that this is my life and leaning into it for once.
I can accept lonely for now. I can recognize that this is where I am for the moment or I can run out and try to fill the void with busy. I know how that turns out so I am trying to get comfortable being on my own and loving and taking care of myself even if it feels uncomfortable. Practice makes perfect, right?
I am not sad today and I am in the office. I spent the morning with some really great people who are going to be great customers. This is what I love about my work. I meet people take their vision and transform it into real life. What's better than that? I am in a place of acceptance and that always brings happiness.