I was in a real funk yesterday overwhelmed with what felt like obstacles in my life. Swimming upstream is hard work but it is making me stronger even if I am not going any where. I met with a customer at the end of the day to present my designs. I enjoy this part more than any other part of my job coming up with ideas that surprise people.
The problems I am having are really internal. I am torn between pushing forward with the grand plan or cutting loose and running like hell. I go along fine for a few days and then I think oh my God you got to doing something to protect yourself. You got to go out and get another job. How can you just enjoy the day when things are crumbling around you? This is the conversation in my head. This is where I was at yesterday. I went home last night made some mac and cheese, something I have been making myself since I was five and not the box kind, and then promptly crawled into bed and watched American Idol. Then I watched Top Chef.
Seeing talented people always lifts my spirit. The idea that you are born with something special and you work on it until it shines so bright other people can see it. A joy that gives others joy.
I love design and it is my joy and I get to share it with others. The fact that I have to support myself just gets in the way of the process. If I didn't have to support myself I would totally do it for nothing. It is what I do in my spare time. It is what I think about when I watch a movie. It is my first thought when I go to a new restaurant.
Creating is as close to God as I think you can get. Taking raw materials and turning them into something completely different is as joyful as it gets. Whether that is with paint on canvas or words of poetry in a song it doesn't matter. Creating comes from the heart and not the head and it frees me the way nothing else does.
I especially like taking something that would be thrown away and coming up with another way to use it. It is recycled, it's purpose has come full circle. I have been recycled myself many times and this is what is happening now. I am reinventing myself. Looking at what works and what doesn't and making a new me.
What makes me crazy is the process takes time and I am impatient with the time table. It is the journey, right? When I show my customers the three D design I am already there in my mind that is why the presentation is a thrill. I can see it but then I have actually make it happen and I do and it always looks exactly like the three d picture. Spiritually I am at the picture stage and will have to wait until the process is complete to get to my destination. A moving target (God's little secret) I am afraid.
So I am up today and not bogged down in the reality of all the little steps that have to be taken on this new journey. I am just going to focus on what is in front of me and visualize the big picture.