Sunday, February 6, 2011

The waters of change

I once had a boss tell me that to me everybody has to paddle their own canoe. He was a egomaniac and eventually fired me. But his words were true nevertheless.

I started a post about what is going on at work last night but felt like I needed more time to process the spiritual aspect of the situation. I woke up this morning feeling really good and thought I was ready to put my thoughts in order.

You see when you are on a spiritual path and you are committed to growth however painful it might be, you will be transformed. The awkwardness of changing is beyond your control. First you don't fit where you use to fit and you haven't figured out where you do fit and like the first day of school this is not fun.

This is evident in my life right now. I went to a gathering that included a lot of friends last night. I felt like I didn't really belong there. In fact I got up from the table and someone moved my chair away from the table and put it a single small table away from the big table. It wasn't intentional but I took it as a spiritual sign that this was not my life anymore.

A spiritual path is a personal journey and a lot of it has to be taken alone. In the program and in life everyone has to find what they are looking for and you can only go so far together. You can be there to support one another but the really hard stuff can take you to places that no one but you can go.

I have realized for myself that filling my time even helping others on their journey actually was a way I was avoiding those places. Once I realized that and became willing to face whatever demon I thought was out there, the pain passed quickly. I didn't want to see my own avoidance at first because I wasn't ready, all in God's time I know.

God has seen fit to transform me once again like it or not. Actually I do like it once it is over but it is never really over. If I can get through the fear and trust that if I let go I will be taken care of I can make it. Sometimes I feel that I am hanging by my finger tips on a window ledge and I am terrified only to find out when I finally let go I am on the first floor. The lesson, let go sooner.

The steps are sign post for me and although I don't acknowledge them by number they are like breathing to me. I feel stronger than I ever have in my life and I have finally become enough for me. I thought it was that I wasn't enough for other people but really I wasn't enough for me. It is simple but complicated to figure that out.

I knew it in my mind that I was enough but the child within didn't really believe it. I never let anyone disrespect me but I also needed to be needed in the worst way. I wanted to be loved by others so I knew I was lovable. It is a trap because when they walk away you panic and they take your security with them. The doubts reappear. What I learned this time is people walk away for their own reasons. It is not about what I did or didn't do they changed or I changed and it is no longer a good fit.

I also recognized that sometimes in order to have the courage to break away from a relationship someone has to be at fault. A case has to built against the other person first to propel the separation. The grievances can have some validity but mostly they are BS and would be overlooked if you didn't want out. We change and sometimes a relationship can't adapt or maybe one person wants it to stay the same and it is too late.

It would be nice if we could just sit down and say lets decide whether our relationship is working or not and if it isn't, is it important enough to either one of us to fix it or not? But that would require facing the awkward uncomfortable possibility that no one wants to face, it is not that important anymore. We come to the same conclusion eventually after a roller coaster of emotions have passed first.

I am all over the place with this post and ultimately have come to the conclusion that its all OK. Changing is painful and staying the same is painful because those that are changing are moving on. Can I stop trying to keep things the same? Can I let go an know that it is a part of a greater plan? Everyone has their own canoe to paddle and I can wave to them but I can't paddle it for them. They have to do that for themselves and so do I.

1 comment:

  1. Great post. Changing in recovery changes the dynamics of the relationship with others. Some things last and others cannot deal with the changes.