Thursday, April 21, 2011
Can I really let go?
It has been a week of emotional turmoil. My business partner and I had a blowout. She left and then returned and started yelling at me and stormed out for the day.
I don't react to this kind of behavior and was really pretty shocked. I have seen it before but not directed towards me. She did send me an email later in the day apologizing for the outburst but making sure that I knew she was right. Maybe she was but by that time that wasn't really the point.
We have both taken a step back and are looking at whether we can be partners. I can see myself in her 20 years ago always pushing my agenda and feeling like a victim everybody against me. I couldn't trust anyone and everyone was dumping on me. That still happens but only if I let it. Back then I couldn't detach long enough to see the situation from any ones perspective but my own. Reacting, fight or flight.
I am slower to come to my conclusions now and probably try too hard to see it from the other persons side. We are the way we are because it works for us or it did work at some point so we keep using it. This is what the program taught me and then it taught me that I could let go of behaviors that no longer work for me.
Do I want to sign up for this kind of very familiar relationship? The day to day drama of not knowing who is walking in the door. I am dealing with my past here resurfacing once again. God asking me, do you want this lesson one more time? Can I choose myself this time?
I had a dream of us building something together but that faded somewhat this week. This will never be about what works for us only what works for her. Eyes wide open this time. I don't expect people to change for me anymore I just have to decide if I can live with them the way they are.
I can feel that familiar feeling of wanting someone else to be different than they are. Trying to salvage my vision of what I thought the future would look like. Sugar coating what will clearly be a problem for me sooner or later.
This is the real issue here. I can only see my dream coming true one way. I am limiting the possibilities for making this happen any other way. Awareness is the first step to letting go and I think I am ready.
With a higher view I see I am limiting God's ability to provide me with something even better than this. I don't have to take the same path again if I choose not to.
I am not moving too quickly all will be revealed. I am alone here today which is a relief and that will give me time to work on my ducks.