Thursday, April 14, 2011
Prodigal Daughter - Awakening
I went back to a meeting on Monday that I use to attend regularly before I took my sabbatical from all personal commitments. I felt like the prodigal daughter everyone was hugging me and very welcoming and not a bit awkward.
When I started going to the meeting it was held on Wednesday and they were going to change it to Thursday which conflicted with my Al-Anon meeting so they changed it to Monday. I didn't ask them to do that but they are a very agreeable group so when I dropped out I felt a little guilty.
I felt saturated with all the different things I had gotten into. Don't get me wrong I have a short attention span and to keep myself engaged I am interested in many things. I did get overbooked and spiritually too focused on helping others. I remember a page in the Courage to Change that says like in an airplane put the mask on yourself first and then help the person next to you.
I learned a lot about myself during my time off. It has been nine months and a re-birth has taken place. At the time, my life consumed me and even if I was able to help others it had to come to an end. I was still running from my true self and afraid if I stopped something horrible would happen.
I remember the exact moment of the shift, the spiritual awakening, I was standing on the stairs and on the phone with a friend. They were informing of one commitment that I had forgotten that would make three total for the evening. I decided then and there that I needed to exit the stage and I did.
A new life was created in the past nine months. Even if my life from the outside looks worse on the inside there is calm, for the most part. I feel a freedom of spirit that I have never felt before.
Going back to the meeting was a test and not a commitment. A toe in the water to see what the temperature was like. Did it feel right? I know now that once something feels like an obligation it starts to drain me slowly. Sometimes so slowly I don't even notice until all the joy is gone.
This my experience and what I have learned about myself it has happened to me over and over again. Whether with careers, relationships or even my spiritual quest. Keeping things the same feels comforting at first and then that wears off and there is a subtle shift from comfort to routine and then boredom.
I having to keep writing about it to remind myself to keep things loose even if I am uncomfortable. I can't run for safety in the routine this time. I got to make my way and rely on faith when it all feels so uncertain. Right now that is real scary.