Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Discipline - Do I need it?
The word discipline keeps coming up for me this past week. I have always considered myself pretty determined but never disciplined. Discipline is for athletes achieving a life time goal. I was just strong willed and pushed through anything that stood in my way.
I never gave myself credit for what I accomplished. I wasn't achieving I was just surviving. I didn't have time for basking in the spotlight of self-admiration I had to get to the next thing on the list. Nothing was ever enough.
I didn't appreciate my own discipline and my ability to get things done until it was gone. With the grief I lost myself and my ability to make myself do anything. What I did get done was done by a ghost of my former self. I barely made it through each day and this went on for years.
During that time my spirit refused to listen to any gentle coaxing or not so gentle threats I made towards myself. I felt totally lost without this part of myself. I had to learn to love a person that accomplished nothing achieved nothing. This isn't easy when you have spent your life tying your self-worth to the number of things you get done in a day.
I think that was the point for me anyway. I finally got to a place of acceptance and told myself well this is the person you have become so get over it.
Now it seems I have returned, not exactly the same, but a wiser version of myself I have to say I learned some other things too. I have learned just how much you can do without. Just how many days you can do little or nothing and still survive.
Most things on the to do list can stay undone the world won't come to an end if you don't live up to your own expectations or the expectations of anyone else. I learned that the pressure comes mostly from me and besides food and shelter(food can sometimes be optional) you can survive.
I not suggesting that anyone take the same trip that I have but maybe just question the belief that everything on the list is so important. That the world will stop spinning if you don't meet your commitments for one day.
In my world I am happy to report that today there was some monotonous things of my list of to dos. I told myself I had to get them done and felt grateful that my spirit went along with it.