Monday, February 13, 2012

I go straight to crazy and work my way back from there.

I had a long day yesterday obsessing about the work situation and feeling like my life is on hold. I decided to just go with it this time instead of trying all my usual tricks to get out of it.

I have learned that there is no bad feelings just feelings that make you feel bad. They only feel really bad when I resist them by saying to myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way or that I am wasting my life.

That is what it is like to be awake without the barrier of denial to protect me from all my feelings. Sometimes I long for the days when I was unconscious running from task to task filling up every moment so I didn't have to feel anything.

This doesn't work me anymore. My journey has taken me to a deeper place where I am seeing what it is like to just lean into those feelings. Being OK with being human and vulnerable.

I stayed in bed most of the day and it didn't kill me. I am scared and alone and no matter how many people I talk to about it they can't make me feel any better and it tires me out to talk about it over and over.

It is normal to be scared and afraid when uncertainty is looming over your head. I have been told that I handle uncertainty pretty well but every once in awhile I have a total freak out.

I am over it today and decided to go to work and wait for the verdict. It is almost
6 PM and we haven't heard a thing.

I have gone straight to crazy and have worked my way back from there at this point. I can't stay in the fear place too long and I must gather my belonging and leave Crazyville and get on with my life.

1 comment:

  1. Glad that you worked your way out of crazy. I don't like dwelling there.