Foggy Friday

I am heading off to my counselor in a little while to talk about some wheels I have set in motion the past few weeks. I feel strong enough to deal with it on my own but I thought it wouldn't hurt.

I am at a crossroads in my life where it seems the universe is starting to work with me instead of against me. Owning my reclaimed power recently has started opening doors and getting attention. What seemed impossible before seems possible now and somethings don't really matter anymore.

I met with someone in the program this morning who is aware that I have stopped going to meetings and in a round about way tried to get me to commit to meeting her at a meeting on Sunday. I kindly declined.

I am going kayaking on Sunday and it is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Each person must find their own way and I have struggled with this many times. What works for me, may not work for someone else.

I appreciate the concern but for now I feel nothing but freedom and it feels great.

Getting Bumped - pay backs

Last night on my way home from work I was tired and little distracted. I stopped a light and suddenly I got bumped it wasn't a hard bump, but enough. I looked behind me and a the driver behind me was actually missing. I could see some part of him doing something but clearly not focused on the fact that he bumped me.

The light turned green and I thought, what should I do? It isn't always safe, to jump out and confront someone, so I pulled off and as he passed wrote down the license plate number. When I got out and looked at the bumper it looked not perfect but not like it had been bumped.

I am a different person than when I started this spiritual journey. I probably wouldn't have ever jumped out or maybe I shouldn't say ever. It would have ruined my day though and my self-righteousness would have over flowed. It did bring back a memory of my own bumping past.

When I was in my 20's I had a Tercel and it had giant black bumpers I was a young whipper snapper and always in a hurry when leaving my complex. On more than one occassion I would look and see the car in front of me move forward and thinking they went I would pull out. You guessed it wham, I never did any damage, but I always got an ear full.

Stuff happens when your young and distracted and thinking of all the things life has to offer. When, where you are going is more exciting than the car you are driving. It brought back a funny memory of being once young and reckless. So I guess it was a little pay back for me.

The truth only belongs to me

I had another crack of dawn meeting this morning and got a chance to see the sun rise while speeding down the highway. I feel so grateful to be happy again that I felt emotional and was actually listening to music in the car. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.

The truth is my perception or idea about something. It isn't any one's reality but my own and when other people don't join in and put the same energy into my reality I get really pissed off.

I can only see my own perspective and deal with my own emotions. I am a slow learner, I just can't take things a face value or suck it up and move on. I have this huge learning curve that I face every time my life gets turned upside down. I have to analyze it to death before I can bring myself back from the dead.

This is my way and apparently the only way I know to process change. I think the analyzing just gives my heart a chance to heal.

So I am happy to be happy today and I am grateful I have work to do and I should go do it now.

Burning the Past

I spent some time on Saturday cleaning my home office. The final frontier of grief, the paper work. I have paid for my neglect with the paper work but I really couldn't deal with it. I managed to keep the lights on but my phone did get turned off twice. You might be judging me now but I did my best, who needs a phone anyway. At least I have helped other people, during this time, even when I couldn't help myself. I was paralyzed by the reality of my life.

One emotional hurdle was in a bag of receipts, I found a postcard with a picture of my x's parents on it. They were on a month long trip to Australia and sent it to us. My gut reaction was to burn it, so I got out the lighter and set it on fire. I was standing there holding it and watching it burn and then the fire went out. I took that as a sign, so instead I put their picture on my home altar with other mementos of people that I love or have loved.

I am still a little hurt after 13 years not a word from them, but I am not angry anymore. I have stopped feeling like it is my fault when people leave. It isn't about me it is just how people are it is easier to let someone go than to face an uncomfortable moment, I get that. I have given of myself out of love and know that I have left something of myself behind in any relationship.

If the relationship is solely dependent on me to keep it together then it isn't really a relationship, is it?

Plastic Fast Food

I went to house this morning to bid on a job and when I got to the neighborhood every house on the block was in perfect condition except the one I was going to. First there was no house number the yard was full of weeds and there was a broken down motorcycle with a tarp over it and rusty cans of paint holding down the tarp.

The first thought I had was alcoholism or addiction. Of course that is a judgement on my part but experience tells me that it only gets worse on the inside. This does happen quite often in my line of work. You never know what you are walking into and I try to keep an open mind and just know I am exactly where I am suppose to be because that is where I am.

I turns out that they she lost her job then they had to sell their bigger house and then her daughters husband lost his job and they move in with their two children. The house is small and now has seven people living there. Her grown son started a kitchen fire an nearly burn down the house. The husband parents got sick and she moved them from Texas and then the father died and the mother has Alzheimer's and is now living in facility.

While she was telling this story the granddaughter was continually bringing me plastic food first a wiener with a bun then one without a bun and then a burger which I thought was a cookie and finally a piece of fried chicken and did I mention I was being sniffed by two big dogs.

The mom told me she had given up and said she used to be a neat freak with everything in perfect order but with all the changes she just tried to make it through the day. I get that, I have been there and I think sometimes a crisis can bring you back to ground zero, whats really important. You can live with much less and tolerate much more, no energy to focus on non-essentials.

I will probably get the job and help them to get the house back in order and spread some experience strength and hope. Today I am grateful to have my own journey.

Nothing Stays the Same

I am writing when I should be working. I have a lot of appointments and not much rest since the home show and I am a little weary. Still grateful but tired and could use some r and r and I will get it this time next week.

I had an appointment near my old house and my old life today. It seems strange like that wasn't even me who lived there. I always felt something was missing but I thought since I had a life a lot of people would envy that I should just be grateful an entertain myself. So I stayed like always until infidelity booted me out the door. Even though I hadn't been happy in a long time, leaving the safety of the known for the unknown shattered my life.

So what is certain? Not really anything except we won't live for ever or maybe uncertainty. So it is time I get on with life. I have grieved and in that grief I have honored that relationship. I am content to let it go and face the rest of my journey with and open heart and strength I did not have before.

If you are in pain and you think it will never end I am proof that it will. Just when you think my god I can't take one more day of this, you might just wake up and it's gone.

Back in time - Reflection

I worked the local home show this weekend and spent two days on my feet with my biggest smile and my best energy. The show was successful and ended a 6 tonight. I have already received one email for an appointment this week so life is good.

I shared the booth with someone we do a lot of work with and had a few moments to share about our families. I was telling him about my dad and what a really good man he really was and how my parents had the kind of relationship that most people envied. Mutual respect, commitment and love. They didn't always agree on discipline or politics and my mom thought my dad was too passive but to us they always presented a united front. Arguments were conducted behind closed doors and they never stayed mad for long.

My dad and I parted ways when I was young which I have written about before but we did love each other and said so before he died. He was man that came from a family where emotion was not a virtue and he managed to be loving in his own way. He loved us and passed on his analytical mind both me and my sister. I got his ability to fix things and attention to details.

It has taken me until now to let the past go fully and completely and to actually admire my dad. Commitment in relationships is hard to come by and he was committed, not to me, but to my mother for 20 years and after she died another 20 years with my step mother.

He was funny. He regularly farted in the car and blamed us kids. He would laugh hysterically at TV shows even when he was in the room alone. He could eat more than you could imagine and never put on weight. He would chase my mom around the house with bugs which as kids we thought was hilarious.

So to you dad I send my love across the not so great divide an know that we will meet again.