I spent some time on Saturday cleaning my home office. The final frontier of grief, the paper work. I have paid for my neglect with the paper work but I really couldn't deal with it. I managed to keep the lights on but my phone did get turned off twice. You might be judging me now but I did my best, who needs a phone anyway. At least I have helped other people, during this time, even when I couldn't help myself. I was paralyzed by the reality of my life.
One emotional hurdle was in a bag of receipts, I found a postcard with a picture of my x's parents on it. They were on a month long trip to Australia and sent it to us. My gut reaction was to burn it, so I got out the lighter and set it on fire. I was standing there holding it and watching it burn and then the fire went out. I took that as a sign, so instead I put their picture on my home altar with other mementos of people that I love or have loved.
I am still a little hurt after 13 years not a word from them, but I am not angry anymore. I have stopped feeling like it is my fault when people leave. It isn't about me it is just how people are it is easier to let someone go than to face an uncomfortable moment, I get that. I have given of myself out of love and know that I have left something of myself behind in any relationship.
If the relationship is solely dependent on me to keep it together then it isn't really a relationship, is it?
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