Trading Spaces - Moving on

I spent the last two days rearranging my house. I have done this since I was about five starting with two twin beds a dresser and a desk. My Mom would find me laying up against the wall pushing the furniture around with my feet. She would roll her eyes and close the bedroom door, except during the time I had groovy beads instead of a door. She was a strict parent but only when it had to do with right and wrong, everything else was in the category of " how important is it? "

I was strong willed to say the least and she picked her battles with me. I am lucky even though she died when I was 11. She gave me a strong since of myself early on and it was a good thing because after her death I was on my own. I was a leader and not a follower and that kept me away from drugs and self-destructive behavior, I was no angel but the damage wasn't permanent, I don't think.

So changing my space this weekend says two things about where I am spiritually, first that my energy is back and second that I am ready for change, whatever it may be. I am not scared of the future anymore and I have accepted the past. I have been stuck in that in between space for so long, not knowing if I would ever be free again and just when I gave up, the funk of depression moved on.

I have a new space in my head and in my house. I am sure my mom is shaking her head about now.

Standing in the Light

I was moved by an interview that Oprah did with Lisa Marie Presley about her relationship with Michael Jackson. It made me realize that it doesn't matter where you come from or how much money you have addiction still has the same effect on our lives.

She spoke about how special she felt when she was with him and when he let his guard down and let her in how she just wanted to stand there in that light and soak it in. But then the drugs would become more important and he would withdraw and leave her in the dark.

I understood what she meant and remembered how intoxicating it was to be in that light. I was special, I was a let in a part of an elite group. Sick attracting sick was really what it was all about. I needed for someone else to make me feel special because on my own I was nothing. I didn't have my own light so without theirs I was in the dark.

I could see it on her face even though it was 10 years ago the addiction to the addicted. We are the same lost and looking for something to fill the void left by whatever. Someone to save me to take me away from myself really. The voice in my head telling me that I was nothing if no one needed me.

I was surprised by the reaction I had to this interview and wondered if I could still get sucked in? I know I could, but it would be eyes wide open and no one to blame but myself.

I make my own light now and so that makes their light a little less bright.

Getting Fired - Sponsorship

I received a note in the mail this week from my sponsee letting me know that she has found someone else to do the steps with. It did not come as a surprise because for one I have been out of pocket and she has reached the 4th step and wants to find a quick and easy way to get through it. I say, good luck with that, I am still working on mine.

I think of the steps as more fluid and on any given day you can touch on some or maybe even all of the steps. I can understand the need to just do something I excel at doing something it is the waiting on my higher power to work in my life that I have trouble with.

She didn't like the Blue Print for Progress because it was to detailed. She wanted something to the point. I suggested the Big Book no one gets to the point quicker than AA since time is of the essence for the addicted. She said she looked at that but she didn't see what resentments had to do with the 4th step.

Resentments for me are where you identify the people that hurt you, first as a child and then as an adult. It takes maturity to face those resentments and see how they are holding you back. I was hurt as a child and my resentment is from a child's point of view and seeing that always helps the healing process for me.

Accepting that most of the things that have hurt me in my life were not about me but about the other person. I was just part of the fall out it wasn't because I wasn't lovable or good enough, I was just in the line of fire.

The flip side of the 4th step is even harder, who have I hurt? Because of my own stunted growth and immaturity I did things that I am not proud of to people that were in my line of fire. This was hard and ultimately making amends was a humbling experience and still is. I couldn't do this until I found compassion for myself and then I could relate. Before my walls were thick and my emotions were shut down.

So I have been fired, it is not personal and I feel that I have done my best. I am not perfect and don't have the answers for anyone. We each have our own journey and everything is in perfect order. I hate that phrase and only once in a while in the best possible moments of my spiritual life can I really see it and believe it.

Under the water

I woke up sad yesterday and couldn't face the day so I didn't. It was my day off but I wanted to go in and get caught up but I couldn't make myself do it. I thought I was free from feeling like that but apparently not. I didn't beat myself up too badly but I kept thinking of all the things I could or should be doing.

It reminded me of the weekends after my husband left me. I spent Saturdays doing chores and being with friends and then Sunday the loneliness caught up with me and I wondered if I would be alone forever.

That time in my life didn't last forever and this time won't either. I met someone after three years of grieving and 16 years later I am at the end of another 3 years of grief.

I read the a passage from Courage to Change this morning I think it was yesterday's and it talked about that we are never in exactly the same place again, even if it feels like it. Spiritually we have grown even if we can't see it in ourselves.

My emotions aren't fact and the reality is that I have only been alone when I have wanted to be alone in my life. The three years that it has taken me to grieve is part of my own internal plan. I haven't been ready to move on and get back out there.

The days of sadness are pretty far apart now and it has been at least a month since I couldn't face the reality of my life. Progress not perfection is the fall back position. So I was under the water yesterday and today my head is just above water and tomorrow will even be better.

In the water

My day on the water was spectacular. I have never been in a kayak, once a long time ago I did go on a canoe trip. My ex got sea sick in boats so it wasn't something we did. The weather was amazing and the conversation interesting. It was strange to talk for three hours without actually seeing someone and not be on the phone.

It has taken me a long time to get in a small boat, I have been on some bigger boats but not any that I was the motor. I actually love the water and live on a little inlet. I think this is why I love Syd's blog so much and envy his stories of sailing. As a child I had the opportunity to sail once a summer and have some great memories. As an adult once when I was in my 20's my husbands friend from work had a sail boat and took me out for a few hours and I can still remember every detail of that day.

I am tired and my arms are weak but I kept up and did my share of paddling. I felt a little sick from too much sun and had headache by time I got home. I took some aspirin and I decided to soak in the tub to help my arms, but as usual I don't have the patience so I am writing instead.

I am grateful to do something different today and something that has been on my list for awhile. Being outside and doing something physical is a spiritual experience for me and makes me feel more a part of the bigger plan, what ever that is.

Reality Check

I went to the counselor yesterday and I took a list of the things I needed to talk about. I can't really afford to go very often so I wanted to make the best use of the time. I didn't actually right it down but I felt I needed to get some specific answers to make sure I am not headed down the wrong path.

She of course believes there is no wrong path just different choices. I like that because it goes along with my belief of looking at everything from a higher spiritual place. I beleive we are spiritual beings and our lives here are a small part of the journey and we learn want we need to learn and then move on.

I haven't really wanted to understand why I haven't wanted to go back to my old schedule. I don't want to attend meetings, see friends or really do anything other than work. What I concluded and she confirmed is that because for the past 3 years I have been in such an emotional state that all my energy went into just staying a float and to do that I needed support and meetings and any distraction I could come up with to survive. On top of this work was really slow and I had all this free time to spend with friends doing whatever.

When I took time off and stepped back I realized that I was spiritually drained and needed time alone. Now work has picked up and I am spending my energy dealing with customers and probleming solving. I don't have the energy for both and I have to take care of myself and that means right now working.

When I went home last night I was exhausted. I called ahead and picked up some food and went home. I was too tired to even watch TV so I turned on my favorite movie and prompty fell asleep. I woke up around midnight and got ready for bed. I am now back at work and will be here late today trying to meet my customers expectations.

So I am just and introvert that needs a lot of down time to recharge and since my customers are getting my energy I have nothing left for anyone else.

Foggy Friday

I am heading off to my counselor in a little while to talk about some wheels I have set in motion the past few weeks. I feel strong enough to deal with it on my own but I thought it wouldn't hurt.

I am at a crossroads in my life where it seems the universe is starting to work with me instead of against me. Owning my reclaimed power recently has started opening doors and getting attention. What seemed impossible before seems possible now and somethings don't really matter anymore.

I met with someone in the program this morning who is aware that I have stopped going to meetings and in a round about way tried to get me to commit to meeting her at a meeting on Sunday. I kindly declined.

I am going kayaking on Sunday and it is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Each person must find their own way and I have struggled with this many times. What works for me, may not work for someone else.

I appreciate the concern but for now I feel nothing but freedom and it feels great.