Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Under the water

I woke up sad yesterday and couldn't face the day so I didn't. It was my day off but I wanted to go in and get caught up but I couldn't make myself do it. I thought I was free from feeling like that but apparently not. I didn't beat myself up too badly but I kept thinking of all the things I could or should be doing.

It reminded me of the weekends after my husband left me. I spent Saturdays doing chores and being with friends and then Sunday the loneliness caught up with me and I wondered if I would be alone forever.

That time in my life didn't last forever and this time won't either. I met someone after three years of grieving and 16 years later I am at the end of another 3 years of grief.

I read the a passage from Courage to Change this morning I think it was yesterday's and it talked about that we are never in exactly the same place again, even if it feels like it. Spiritually we have grown even if we can't see it in ourselves.

My emotions aren't fact and the reality is that I have only been alone when I have wanted to be alone in my life. The three years that it has taken me to grieve is part of my own internal plan. I haven't been ready to move on and get back out there.

The days of sadness are pretty far apart now and it has been at least a month since I couldn't face the reality of my life. Progress not perfection is the fall back position. So I was under the water yesterday and today my head is just above water and tomorrow will even be better.

1 comment:

  1. I was told once that when I have times like this I should allow myself to be where I am, but after some time get up and get moving. Sounds like that is what you do. The sun will come out tomorrow. Hope you are feeling better soon.