Friday, October 22, 2010

Getting Fired - Sponsorship

I received a note in the mail this week from my sponsee letting me know that she has found someone else to do the steps with. It did not come as a surprise because for one I have been out of pocket and she has reached the 4th step and wants to find a quick and easy way to get through it. I say, good luck with that, I am still working on mine.

I think of the steps as more fluid and on any given day you can touch on some or maybe even all of the steps. I can understand the need to just do something I excel at doing something it is the waiting on my higher power to work in my life that I have trouble with.

She didn't like the Blue Print for Progress because it was to detailed. She wanted something to the point. I suggested the Big Book no one gets to the point quicker than AA since time is of the essence for the addicted. She said she looked at that but she didn't see what resentments had to do with the 4th step.

Resentments for me are where you identify the people that hurt you, first as a child and then as an adult. It takes maturity to face those resentments and see how they are holding you back. I was hurt as a child and my resentment is from a child's point of view and seeing that always helps the healing process for me.

Accepting that most of the things that have hurt me in my life were not about me but about the other person. I was just part of the fall out it wasn't because I wasn't lovable or good enough, I was just in the line of fire.

The flip side of the 4th step is even harder, who have I hurt? Because of my own stunted growth and immaturity I did things that I am not proud of to people that were in my line of fire. This was hard and ultimately making amends was a humbling experience and still is. I couldn't do this until I found compassion for myself and then I could relate. Before my walls were thick and my emotions were shut down.

So I have been fired, it is not personal and I feel that I have done my best. I am not perfect and don't have the answers for anyone. We each have our own journey and everything is in perfect order. I hate that phrase and only once in a while in the best possible moments of my spiritual life can I really see it and believe it.

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