Tenacious - Not readily letting go

Definition of Tenacious - Character defect or asset?

te·na·cious/təˈnāSHəs/Adjective

1. Not readily letting go of, giving up, or separated from an object that one holds, a position, or a principle: "a tenacious grip".

2. Not easily dispelled or discouraged; persisting in existence or in a course of action: "a tenacious legend".

I am tenacious. It is usually in the manner of the first definition that gets me in trouble and the manner of the second that makes things happen in my life.

If I do the first and then move on to the second I am home free. This is where the perils lie when I am looking at the second when I am still clearly stuck in the first.

A lot is happening and nothing is happening at work. Doors keep closing and I am seeing the future from a higher view these days. I am ready to move on from a place of longing for the past. It served me well because it brought me to where I am today but it is the past nevertheless.

I am writing in riddles today because I feel like for the first time I don't need to be the glue that holds things together and I can let go. The need to make something work that from my new found vantage point is clearly broken. The players on the team are not team players and my time here is just about over.

So what is next? I don't know but I do know that I have moved on from feeling responsible for the business. I feel lighter and happier for the moment and this is what I needed today.

Owls - Meditation

I spent the day on the porch yesterday. I was going to go to the office and paint and then the other designer called and said today's appointment cancelled. I felt deflated and overwhelmed with it all and stayed on the porch.

As I sat there meditating and reading one of my spiritual books a small owl flew down and perched on a limb six feet away from the porch screen. This is unusual I usually don't see them except at sunset.

After a few moments a bird swooped in and started squawking and flying as close as he could to make the owl move. It didn't work the owl just sat there staring directly at me. Steady not letting the bird get to him.

I am working hard to let go and remain steady right now. After my owl encounter I had an emotional moment and ended up on my knees asking God to relieve me of my fears. The relief was instant and I know that it is all going to work out. Not in my time or the way I think it will but it will work out.

Holding steady today and keeping my mind on what is right in front of me.

Riding a Horse

This is not another metaphor it is the real thing. I spent my life mostly working or accomplishing things the act of getting things done suits me well. I realized quite recently that it is not easy for me to do something just for entertainment.

I started to think of a few things I would like to try. A bucket list I guess you might say. It is short list at this point but on the list I put ride a horse. I rode one once when I was eight and that was it. It might sound silly but I when your task oriented time gets away from you. Always planning for others or taking care of the details of life.

I went to a silent auction on Friday night and there it was a one hour horseback riding lesson. I am broke right now but I was the starting bid of $20 the lesson a $40 value. I was the highest bidder and now I am going get to ride a horse.

I have been shut down to my own desires for most of my life. Few things have brought me true joy. The alcoholics I have been attracted to stirred something in me that made me feel more alive than I ever was on my own. That feeling was as close to joy as I thought I could get but of course it was fleeting. I was living through someone else and it was more of a distraction than real joy.

I didn't want to face the truth that I really didn't know who I was and maybe if I started looking for me no one would be there. I was boring and keeping up with the alcoholic was an adventure and I didn't have to acknowledge my real fear of being no one without someone.

I am still looking for me. I have really stopped just trying to fill my time with what is offered up. Hours of doing things I had no interest in doing because it was easier than being still or searching for my own joy.

I am taking a horseback riding lesson. I might hate it or maybe I will love it. Who knows maybe I will join the rodeo. At least I am trying something just for me.

Riding the Waves - The Important Stuff

I am riding the waves these days up one day with many new potential jobs and down the next with the pressure of my personal bills and the business bills coming in each day.

I had an appointment this morning and then went to the office. The owner was there cleaning which is helpful but it also means I have help make decisions about where things go and what to throw out.

We are really alike and when we work together we wrestle over everything. It was really comical today because I wanted to see with my eyes what was in every box and he wanted keep it taped up. He would say just read the label. This happen over and over.

We started laughing hysterically when we found a cabinet full old plaques (top sales 1998...) and we started to throw them away but then started to think of things we could make with them. Each idea more outrageous than the last. This is why we have so much old crap. We are both creative and can't resist at least thinking about making something from nothing. We only threw half of them away.

It is times like these that I know that this is really what life is all about the small moments shared laughing about nothing. He has made a mess of the business but he has a big heart and in the end, how important is it really?

Life will go on and I appreciated getting some perspective today. We have spent many hours talking about our spiritual views and sometimes counseling each other. I can't be mad at him even though what happened has put a lot of stress on me.

It is going to work out. I know that now even though I don't know exactly how. Today my fear is gone and I am only concerned with today. When I am my best self I know I can handle anything that comes my way.

Hitchhiking - Birds and Attachments

Did you ever wake up and think, how did I get here? I thought about that this morning when I looked down, while driving to work and spotted a caterpillar crawling up my leg. I was swerving on the road trying to get it in an envelope to save it.

This is the second time this season the I have had a critter hitchhike on my pants. When I went on a hike a few weeks ago I looked down and there was an inch worm on my pants. He was an 1/8 long and was able to travel miles in a matter of a few hours. If he was keeping track he would think he was pretty awesome.

But he wasn't because he was focused on just what was directly in front of him. If you are just focused on what is in front of you it is hard to pat yourself on the back or freak out when things have changed.

This is where we are different from the rest of God's creatures. We get attached to everything. Where we live our jobs our friends and even a certain way of thinking.

Why do we do it if these attachments ultimate bring us pain? Is it because we are conscious and feel separate from the rest of the animals? Is it because we have an imagination that tells us to build a fort around our lives to be prepared for every possible change? The weird thing is change comes in a completely different form than we expect. We have braced ourselves for the wrong thing and then we have to scramble anyway.

Can you imagine a bird nesting in the same tree every year and then one year the tree is gone, which I am sure happens all the time. The bird then just can't cope stops flying and calls his therapist. By the way, I love my therapist. No they just move on and find another tree.

I have made my point. I have been under a lot of stress which has manifested in an a brief illness. According to the my guide on illness being related to a spiritual cause it is caused by not being able to let go of something.

Today I am letting go. My partner lost a big job that we really needed. It doesn't really matter to me today I am focused on my own work and my on path. If I have to leave this business then I will and today I am ok with that.

Picture by - Joe Wooster

Eagles - Promises

I am streaming the Eagle's nest on my computer two babies have hatched and one to go. Just having the sound on my computer while working and writing has calmed me the past hour.

I can't write today. Anything that comes out will be black. I won't feel like this forever, even though it seems like it, when I am in it.

The animals have small really evolved brains and can be satisfied with being unconscious and just living to reproduce. I envy their minimal thought process not worrying about the future or mistakes of the past or why they exist. The down size is a short life and being some other animal's meal. The first I could live with the second would be a little harder.

This too shall pass. The Promises--That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. God, please make it disappear.

Truth

These are not my words but they spoke to me today as I try to bring my work family together. The stress is overwhelming for everyone but we all are seeing this from our own perspective.

Centering In Truth

Truth is transformed into power when you dissolve prejudice and make yourself receptive to the world as it really is. Truth's power can be a remarkable force indeed yet is rarer than generally imagined. It can be maintained only by cultivating genuine openness to things as they are, a willingness to see, rather than merely look.

Whenever your inner life is clouded, your influence in the world is under a shadow.

In any debate, the power to perceive the truth in the other side's argument is essential to achieving success.